Dating is a balancing act.
Perhaps you have been dating for a while and you are getting a bit cynical about the process or you are feeling burned out after several disappointing dates. Maybe you have had a relationship or two that turned out badly and you are wary and cautious. As a seasoned dater, you may be slipping into a pattern of looking for reasons to discount your prospect from the beginning. Instead it might behoove you to go on a treasure hunt for positive character attributes by getting to know him more.
On the flip side, if you ignore red flags because you think he is handsome or your self-esteem is low, you may be setting yourself up for a crash later. A balance of being overly picky and overlooking major warnings is in order. Finding the middle ground between looking for what is wrong and not acknowledging what is wrong is the goal.
Within seconds of meeting someone new, you are likely to have made a visual inventory. Is he tall enough? How is his hygiene, hair, teeth and nails? Are his clothes and shoes up to your standards? Is his weight acceptable? You have most likely quickly sized him up to your visual ideal look and he is either above or below your preferences. If he passes the visual test, you may then find yourself rattling off questions designed to reveal income, health and relationship issues of the past, grading his responses. You may be falling into judgment about everything from what he drinks and eats to the grammar he uses and how he interacts with the wait staff if you are at a restaurant. It is somewhat human nature to size up a person and make judgments, but if you are overly critical, you may be missing a great guy by not looking deeper than his initial presentation.
Conversely, you may feel your gut twist when he reveals something that you immediately fear or realize is a deal breaker, but somehow you manage to stifle the concern because he is charming and attractive to you. You find yourself minimizing a true flaw that you know deep down inside could harm you in some way.
Is it time to examine your past dating selection patterns? Here are 5 ways to re-direct your focus and get clarity quickly, saving you time and improving your chances of having more fun in the dating process.
- Create a list of essential personality characteristics: Write down qualities that you must have such as integrity, good communication, sense of humor, optimistic attitude or open-mindedness.
- Pre-screen first dates: Ensure you have done your due-diligence in qualifying your date to assess if he has some of the fundamental features that are important to you.
- Suggest a date environment that reveals important must-have temperaments: An activity date may show character more quickly than a dinner date.
- Ask for help to fix something or solicit advice for a challenge you are experiencing: Men often love to solve problems, so give him an opportunity to shine by being helpful, which might reveal his expertise and his values or reveal disturbing warnings.
- Express what you are looking for in a relationship sooner than later: Discover if you are on the same page by asking him at some point what he is looking for and share your goals as well. Is your desire a long-term relationship or a casual buddy to participate in a mutual interest together or travel with you on a vacation?
No man is perfect but you also deserve a man of quality. Look for core values that are necessary for your long-term success and satisfaction. Date more efficiently and smarter, and at the same time relax and enjoy yourself! Honor yourself and honor your date with openness, honesty and the willingness to express yourself. Expect the same from him. Go for green lights and don't minimize or ignore red lights. Be aware if you have a tendency to be ultra-picky or if you are accepting less than you deserve. Dating is a balancing act, so determine if you have drifted to an extreme and practice some self-correction on your next date.
If you found this article of value, it likely resonated with you. You may also enjoy Husband Hunting: The 5 Benefits Of Dating 3 Men At The Same Time, Dating Rules Or Common Sense? Why You Should Follow Your Instinct and How To Shake Off The Disappointments Of Dating Fatigue all found on YourTango.
Let's connect on Facebook or Twitter and I'll share more healthy dating and relationship tips with you. And learn more about me and the books I have written by visiting my website: www.LisaJShultz.com.