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There's no room for self-deception in relationships. Here's why self-honesty is a must.
By Lisa Lieberman-Wang — Written on Jun 07, 2020
Most people define themselves according to their perceptions of collective public opinion, and are, therefore, disconnected from themselves and who they really are.
If you have this tendency, you may not know why being honest with yourself is so important, or consider it to be an issue that might affect your relationships.
Self-deception starts early.
Children at play are actually children at work, busy observing and making conclusions about themselves and their environments. Every nod of approval or disapproval and each gesture of inclusion or rejection leaves its mark as a kind of "survival code." The messages received remain embedded as we move into adulthood.
As adults, we may then lie to ourselves as a way to avoid the psychologically painful feelings we would have as a consequence of allowing ourselves to be honest about anything we fear would have been met with a negative reaction by people whose opinions we value.
The unsustainable message that perfection equals love scrambles for survival in out thought process in a myriad of sneaky, unhealthy ways.
Denial, rationalization, projection, emotional reasoning and other forms of self-deception unconsciously become our coping mechanisms for dealing with life.
But avoiding and deflecting your inner truth only leads to increasing feelings of pain and regret.
All of that childhood baggage then gets passed down for generations — until someone in its path finally decides, "This stops with me."
Hopefully, that someone can be you.
Let’s explore 9 reasons being honest with yourself is so important and why you need to stop the self-deception if you want a successful relationship:
1. What is true for you always exists at the core of who you are.
While everything else around you may change on a dime, what is authentic and true is immutable. If you’re going to rely on anything to get you through life, shouldn’t it be that constant?
Think Dorothy and the ruby slippers. Your truth will always guide you home.
2. Being honest with yourself makes you fearless.
When you are connected to your core truth and values, you aren’t affected by others’ negative opinions of you. You know who you are and don’t believe you need to change that.
You also don’t feel the need to judge others or gossip about them, as your security makes you accepting of yourself and others.
3. Honesty is essential to knowing what you want.
If you build your identity on the fluctuating foundation of public opinion and "fashion du jour," nothing will be constant. And if nothing is constant, nothing will be reliable.
In order to pursue what you want, you have to be able to rely on yourself, not on millions of people you don’t know.
4. Being honest with yourself allows you to develop the passion necessary to excel.
Again, this is about planting your truth at the core of your being and growing your passions from there.
When you have something meaningful that is always there for you, you become empowered to achieve success.
5. Being honest with yourself is essential for being honest with others.
No relationship can survive, let alone thrive, without honesty. And if you are hiding your truth from yourself, how will you ever find it to share with someone else?
Relationships that are healthy, happy, and balanced are comprised of people who are in touch with their authentic selves, and this authentic self-connection is reflected in effective communication.
6. Being honest with yourself leads to feelings of openness, expansion, inner joy, and freedom.
When your physical core is strong and stable, your entire body is stronger and more fluid.
The same is true for your spiritual and emotional core. When that is stable, the rest of your life is free to be expansive.
7. When you're honest with yourself, you provide yourself with clarity.
Lies will always keep you stuck and only hurt the person holding them. When you are honest with yourself, you will always know what you need to do, even if that is difficult.
You will make wiser decisions about relationships and jobs, and will more immediately avoid situations that don’t serve you.
8. Being honest with yourself increases personal responsibility for both your choices and their consequences.
And acceptance of responsibility is foundational to changing your life in a positive way.
Changing is then not simply changing, it is evolving.
And as you evolve, the world responds by offering you new opportunities to understand yourself.
9. Being honest means loving and accepting yourself for who you truly are.
Of all the reasons why being honest with yourself is important, perhaps none is more important than this:
As you stand firmly in your own truth, the life that once had you hiding behind self-deception as you catered to public opinion becomes beautiful in your own eyes, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.
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Lisa Lieberman-Wang is a relationship expert and co-creator of the neuroscience Neuro Associative Programming (NAP). If you need help finding your truth and living an authentic life, you can reach out to her by visiting her website or sending her an e-mail.
This article was originally published at FINEtoFAB. Reprinted with permission from the author.