The Worst Time to Fight

Warning: The following statement may not make sense at first glance.

The worst time to fight is when you’re mad.

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I know that might seem like a contradictory thought. However, when anger comes up it’s usually because there is an issue that needs addressing or a problem that needs solving. Anyone who’s ever had a fight, (which is pretty much anyone at all) knows the energy of anger itself is not conducive to problem solving. The best solutions just don’t flow from anger.

Now I know there is a lot of pop psychology right now that talks a lot about expressing yourself, without holding back, and I’m all for that. However, I am a proponent of expression with a clear head at the right time, which is rarely in the red hot moment. Even if that angry exchange feels good on the spot, the longer-term outcome of an outburst isn’t likely to get you where you want to go. Not to mention, it’s hard to truly express yourself when you’re ramped up and raging. How many times have you had the experience of wishing you’d said something different or something else in a fight, after the fact?

Additionally, those kinds of exchanges, under the current are usually about trying to get the other person involved to do something, or say something in that red hot moment that will make you feel better. Putting that responsibility on someone else isn’t ever going to actually work.

So, what do to when you’re seriously pissed off?

First step, self sooth.

Anyone who’s ever spent much time around children knows that a child that has the ability to self sooth is a much nicer child to be around then a child that can’t wind themselves down from a fit. Self soothing for adults is a seriously under-valued skill. When the heat is on, it’s in every one’s best interests to take a step back, feel the anger, and then get onto the business of soothing yourself into a better feeling place, by yourself, for yourself. It’s your job to tend your own feelings anyway.

Second step, flow appreciation.

If you can’t flow appreciation for the current target of your pissed-offedness, flow appreciation for something or someone else. The general vibe of appreciation takes the heat off of the hottest conflict. It’s a lighter place to put your attention. If you can work yourself towards flowing appreciation for the person who’s peeved you, it will go a long way toward pre-paving a much easier problem solving moment in the future.

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Third step, ease into dealing with the issue.

When and only when, you are not coming at the person with a vibration of anger AND when and ONLY when you have taken responsibility for how you feel, THEN and ONLY then, proceed back to problem solving. I don’t care if it take hours or days to clean up your emotional plate. Your chances of getting what you really want are so much higher when you can deal with conflict from a positive place.