“When did you first realize the chemistry in your relationship was waning?”
“About a year ago.”
“OK. So, let me ask you a question. Do you feel sexy? Do you feel like you’ve got that spark yourself?”
“Did you ever?”
“Yes, I used to feel really good about myself. Seriously, I used to be hot. I loved feeling that way. I haven’t felt that way for awhile though.”
“So, when was the last time you felt that way?”
“I don’t know. I guess it’s been about a year and a half.”
I’ve had a conversation like this at least a dozen times in the last week. When you look at it, it doesn’t take a psychology degree to see what’s obvious. When a woman quits feeling sexy, when she doesn’t feel good about herself, the spark in the relationship will also fade, and it won’t take long.
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When a woman stops feeling sexy a lot of things happen and none of them are good. She quits flirting and becomes more serious. Her energy levels take a dive. She becomes much less likely to initiate intimate contact. She begins to hide her body from her lover and the world. Her confidence levels in other areas begin to decline. Generally speaking her overall level of aliveness diminishes.
Men perceive this shift on an intangible level and they respond in ways that don’t make a lot of sense, even to them. The bottom line is, on a very instinctive level, confidence quite literally has a smell. We know this. It’s like an animal being able to smell fear. In a very real way, when a woman no longer feels attractive she quits producing pheromones that are attractive to her mate or a potential mate.
Most women think it’s about their looks. They believe if their body looked differently they’d feel better about themselves. The thing is, I’ve worked with swimsuit models who couldn’t get a date and breathtakingly gorgeous women who can’t get their husbands attention. I’ve also worked with identical twins, where one sister was always showered with adoration from men and the other couldn’t get a second look.
What I know for sure is a relationship will slip out of balance if one person is suffering from poor self esteem. It can happen in a variety of ways, but it will happen. One of the most common is “the spark is gone” syndrome. If the spark is gone, chances are very high someone has lost their internal spark. It’s nearly impossible to have chemistry when one partner is hiding.
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So, what’s a girl to do when she’s lost that special something? Keep Reading...
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