If I had one sermon to give, one thing to say that would make my work worthwhile, one bit of asskicking inspiration that might at least make someone think a bit about who they choose to spend their life with and why, this would be it.
If you are staying for the kids;
if you are staying because of the house, the bills, the money, or lack thereof;
if you are staying because it’s too difficult or inconvenient to leave;
if you are staying because you vowed you would but wish you hadn’t;
if you are staying because you think your heart might quit beating if you don’t;
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DO NOT KID YOURSELF.
Co-dependence - A state of being in a relationship between two people where their need for one another becomes the primary reason the relationship functions. A state where one or both people perceive their happiness or well being depends on the other.
Inter-dependence - A state of being in a relationship where two happy and balanced people share an experience and the shared nature of the experience only serves to make both partners even happier. A state of relationship that is based on enrichment rather than attachment.
There is something about the human experience that makes us crave the feeling of being needed. However, that feeling in it’s core isn’t about us caring for another, it’s about being so innately important that you will never be abandoned. When a relationship starts to be defined by needs it loses it’s balance instantly.
The only real way to have commitment is to know you are free to go at any point. You simply can’t have commitment without freedom. You can’t have freedom without autonomy.
au·ton·o·my : self-directing freedom
The amount of choices you have are equally and directly proportionate to the amount of independence you have.
A healthy relationship is not “two becoming one”. That is a recipe for disaster.
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A healthy relationship is two people who stay together because they want to. They are free to walk away at any point. Not just free to do so, but capable of doing so on every level, and yet they make that choice to stay together everyday. You can’t put that kind of commitment on a license. You can’t have that kind of commitment between two people who need each other. You can only have that kind of commitment between two fully independent individuals who love each other enough to give it a go, another day, and another day, and another day after that.
Lisa Hayes is a Relationship Coach and Author of How to Escape from Relationship Hell and the Passion Plan. She is also co-founder of Good Vibe Coaching Academy, specializing in LOA Coach training. To get Lisa's FREE Audio, "How to Talk to a Man" Click here.