Oh No She Didn't! What We Can Learn From Frenemies


National Friendship Day: What We Can Learn From Frenemies
Learn how to release toxic frenemies to love yourself better.

We see and judge people based on a reflection. In other words, they reflect back to us what we think of ourselves and how we feel about ourselves compared to them. We all judge; it is human nature and comes from our need to protect ourselves at a primal level. Our first and most basic judgment about others is, "Is this person a danger to my existence?" We can learn to be less judgmental so that our second thought is polite, but the first one is always judgment and dates back to the beginning of man.

When we see another woman, we judge and compare automatically. She is a reflection of us. Is she thinner, more successful, happier or wearing better clothes? When we're not where we think we should be in life, love, health or career, and we see a woman who looks like she has it together (whether she does or not isn't the issue), we feel a tinge of discomfort because of our insecurity or low self esteem in that area. All women have some degree of low self esteem (how we see, think about and feel about ourselves) and raising it can be a lifetime journey.  


Insecure women feel threatened by confident women but they won't admit it because low self esteem does not lend itself to being open and honest. Instead, they may stay completely quiet and beat themselves up internally for not being good enough, or lash out in toxic behavior. If so, they may have the mindset of, "I may not feel as together as you look but I can drop you down to my level with one unkind word, and then I will have company in my misery." A woman with healthier self esteem, who's on a self-development track, would rather model the example of the together-looking woman, and visualize herself in that position, feeling what it would be like.

I want to give you a real-life scenario to help you visualize what happens when we see someone who we are, by human nature (the universal law of relativity), comparing ourselves to and may feel jealousy toward.

My Personal Story:
I was with a gal pal at a pool party and we saw a woman wearing a great outfit. My friend said, "Look at that cute skirt. What a bitch she is." I said, "It is adorable! I'm going to ask her where she got it!" I walked up to her (to my soon-to-be-ex gal pal's amazement) and said, "Hi, I'm Kelly and that is the cutest skirt ever! Where'd you get it?"

Two Important Lessons:

First, my ex-gal pal who called her a bitch had low self esteem. She saw someone who looked better than she thought she looked, which put her into attack mode. She didn't feel like she had her life together and that was reflected back to her by someone she felt looked like they did have it together. She attacked verbally and because the target of her drama didn't hear her, she belittled herself and looked stupid to everyone who overheard her. The negative energy alone (universal laws of vibration and attraction) will bring more negative situations her way.

More personal development coach advice from YourTango:

Article contributed by

Kelly Rudolph

Life Coach

Kelly Rudolph
Certified Life Coach | Certified Hypnotherapist | Founder of Positive Women Rock | Speaker | Presenter

Life Coach Kelly Rudolph walks her talk and implements her own personal growth plan on a dialy basis, translating into greater understanding, experience and strategies for her clients.

Her personal story is one of tragedy-to-triumph that inspires and empowers at PositiveWomenRock.com

Sign up for her FREE Life Strategies.

Location: La Jolla, CA
Credentials: ACC, CHT
Specialties: Empowering Women, Self-Esteem, Stress Management
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