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How to get excited by your relationship again.
By Lianne Avila
Last updated on Mar 06, 2024
When your relationship starts to lose its luster and negativity begins to creep in, it's important to start adding "thank you" and appreciation to your relationship — like you did in the beginning. It may sound small, but it makes a HUGE difference when you're communicating healthily with your partner. Here are some simple ways to overcome the crappy negativity in your relationship and start showing some appreciation to each other.
Here are 10 little secrets of madly-in-love couples:
1. They start a morning tradition together
Brew him a cup of coffee in the morning and talk about at least one important thing that will be happening in your day. Make this a ritual every morning.
2. They find ways to laugh together
Bring up a funny moment from your past that makes you both laugh or watch your favorite hilarious comedy. Couples that laugh together are more likely to STAY together. Maybe the last time you were out to dinner together the server said or did something funny — bring it up and have a much-needed chuckle when you get home.
3. They work up a sweat together
You can do this inside or outside of the bedroom. Working up a sweat will boost your endorphins — plus, it's good for your heart. Take a hike, go for a swim, or take a boot camp class together. Make sure you get your heart rate up because it can give you that extra boost in the bedroom later on.
4. They aren't afraid to try out something new
Dance before dinner together or read a new book. Even if you think you won't like it, try it. Couples that try new things together have better relationships. Bonding over a new tradition or experience will help nurture your friendship and create that fun sense of adventure between you both.
5. They're intimate somewhere fun (or different)
If you're feeling so-so about your bedroom romps, then maybe it's time to try something different. Your love life needs to be satisfying to you both, so if you haven't been TALKING about it, then you need to start. If you are always intimate in the bedroom, then try the living room, the kitchen, or the kitchen table. And try out some new positions along the way too!
6. They let go of past mistakes
We all make mistakes, but that doesn't mean you need to throw them in your partner's face whenever you're angry. Accept that we are all human and that we ALL make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, so it's not fair to expect that from your partner. If you find that you just can't let go, then it's probably time to talk to someone.
7. They don't make complaining a habit
It's easy to spend your time with your partner complaining about your job, the kids, the house, etc. This can leave you feeling drained and disconnected from one another. Leave your complaints at the door and tell your partner what went RIGHT with your day.
8. They stay in touch throughout the day — no matter how busy they are
After you have been in a relationship for a while, it's easy to get caught up and busy. Send a playful or loving text to your partner during the day. Let them know how your day is going. If you shared one important thing about your day, let your partner know how it went. For example, if you were worried about a presentation with an important customer let your partner know that you nailed it.
9. They take a good look at themselves first
It's easy to blame your partner when things aren't going right in the relationship, but try taking a good look at yourself first. What is your self-care like? When your partner takes out the trash, do you thank them? Do you respond to their text messages? Are you criticizing how they do the laundry? Make sure you're not contributing before you place blame on someone else.
10. They don't attack each other
Start your conflict discussions gently by using 'I' statements — this will let your partner know how you feel rather than immediately placing the blame. Also, let him know what you NEED. For example, "I felt left out when you came home from work and watched T.V. before talking to me, and I need you to let me know how your day went before turning on the T.V." If you start by adding a few of these tips to your day, after a while it will feel natural and it will help rebuild the friendship and intimacy in your relationship.
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Lianne Avila is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in San Mateo, CA. Her work has been featured in Psych Central, BRIDES, and Prevention.