What does the Research Show?
Over a decade of research confirms two of my 7-key practices as necessary for living a happy and fulfilling life after divorce. (You can pick up your copy of my PDF Report to shorten your healing process at Reclaim Yourself After Divorce). If you have seen the TedTalk by Brene' Brown, you should watch it often to remind you that you are in control of the quality of your experience in life, even as your life seems to be unraveling completely out of control.
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Why is Divorce so Painful and what do we MOST need?
Science has shown that we are neurobiologically wired for CONNECTION. When we experience a divorce, so many connections are severed. We no longer have a partner to sleep next to or share the successes and challenges our daily life brings. The connections we have in our social circles change. We no longer share dinner parties or vacations or holidays with the same people and it's quite common to feel like we no longer belong. Science confirms what I have seen working with hundreds of clients going through divorce, that some of the deepest pain we experience is when we feel disconnected from others. It's common to isolate ourselves when hit with this tragic life transition.
Why do we isolate ourselves?
My research shows that 85% of people going through divorce isolate themselves from community, family, and friends. My clients speak of not wanting anyone to know what they are going through because they feel ashamed of being divorced. The resulting experience is that they feel alone and disconnected from the very things they complain of not having—connection! Support!
A decade of scientific research by scientists like Brene' Brown supports that shame is the reason we isolate ourselves and hide what's really going on. But, this only prolongs our suffering! What is shame? Brene' Brown describes it as "The fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?" Isn't that something? Shame - the fear of disconnection, causes us to disconnect!
Brene' goes on to explain that the underneath shame is a sense of not being good enough. Beneath this surface, she says is an "excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."
It's normal to worry about what people think! If you haven't watched Brene's Ted Talk, watch it here!
Not one person I've worked with hasn't had a sense of fear about what people think about them, but in terms of being happy, it's wasted energy that is counter-productive to rebuilding a life for yourself after divorce and finding your way back into connection. Connecting with yourself will prove to be a cornerstone of your new life after divorce.
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For More On Divorce From YourTango:
- How To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
- The Top 5 Mistakes That Lead To Divorce
- Dating After Divorce: What You Need To Know