I'm so sorry you're hurting! Breaking up is painful for everyone and I'm going to tell you something that you might not want to hear.
You don't have to suffer!
I read a HuffingtonPost article that got me thinking: lies, betrayal, abandonment are all real circumstances that can leave you feeling bad. You may be in a grieving process that could take years. It's likely that everyone is affected by your relationship failure. However, your healing can be alleviated by a simple shift in perspective! I know that the ending of a relationship can be the worst thing that ever happened to you or the best thing that ever happened to you. It all depends on the lens you view your break-up through. One of the spiritual laws I teach is that you can’t always control what happens, but you can always control how you respond.
Here are a few things you can do to alleviate suffering:
- Refuse to blame yourself or others. Take responsibility for what you've co-created and let this situation evolve you, not devolve you. Devolution is usually a path people take because of the pain they're in. The more conscious you are, the more you'll move toward yourself.
- Get support from someone who will hold you in your highest. It will be really easy for you to take a victim role, but what you really need is to get your power back. When you're in the middle of a break-up it can be difficult to know how, so use all the tools you have including hiring me as your coach—your lifeline.
- Get radical! In terms of self-love that is. Make a commitment to yourself to be kind and gentle to yourself.
Basic Truths About Divorce You Probably Won't Want To Hear
I read a recent article in the Huffington Post and was blown away by how common these suggestions are. The only problem is that you really might not be ready to hear them—especially if you're in the first year of your break-up.
I'm going to translate the Huffington Post's suggestions in terms of Spiritual Divorce,™ the program that I teach and the study of Spiritual Divorce is a great first step. Here are the 8 things from my perspective:
- It can only get better! Well, the truth is it will probably get worse before it gets better. There are so many things to navigate when you divorce, that it can bet difficult to find that sweet spot. Divorce is like an emotional rollercoaster that doesn't have an off switch. The spiritual law of acceptance will help you move forward. Accepting what is happening is the very first step in things getting better. The longer you resist and deny, the longer you will be in pain.
- Time heals all wounds! This is actually true, but how much time? The average divorce takes 4–8 years to heal from. Do you really want it to take that long? A friend of mine says, in relation to his work as a probate attorney, "You can pay me now, or you can pay me later." You can jump right into your new life, but if you don't address the issues that contributed to your break-up, then you'll most likely end up in the same type of relationship over and over. The divorce rate is actually higher in second and third marriages, but not for my clients! In Spiritual Divorce ™ you learn a lot about yourself that will divorce proof you!
- Someday you'll appreciate this! On one hand this is bull and on the other it couldn't be more true. I don't think anyone appreciates the loss of a dream or the amount of pain that is caused by a divorce, but everyone who has a conscious divorce appreciates what they've learned and how they've evolved as a human being. In Spiritual Divorce™ we will make sure you walk away with the goodies.
- You're better off! Again, in some ways, yes and in some ways life can get a lot harder. The financial burden alone challenges this assumption, but if you are conscious in your choices then you can alleviate the suffering as you create more opportunities for yourself. A huge concern for people who have kids is the impact to them. Get Rosalind Sedacca’s book How to Tell Your Kids About the Divorce and they will be better off!
- You'll be okay! This one I have complete confidence in. You will be okay. It's a matter of time and a matter of choosing to take your power back. In Spiritual Divorce™ we look at the spiritual law of choice and give you a buffet to choose from in regards to what you want to make your divorce mean to men for yourself. My specialty is helping you love yourself and know that you're going to be okay!
- There's light at the end of the tunnel. Okay… but life doesn't just have ONE tunnel! One of the concepts in Spiritual Divorce is that you can't always choose your circumstances, but you can always choose how you respond to them. What qualities do you want to cultivate so you can move through the tunnels of your life?
- I'm here if you need to talk! This one is a no-brainer. People who go through a divorce will often wear out their family and friends. When you hire me to take you through the Spiritual Divorce process, I will be your lifeline. You can't wear me out. You need to know there is someone on your side who cares deeply that you come out of the other side having healed your heart, regained your power, and created a new life for yourself.
- I'm sorry! Oh, brother… You might not actually need to hear this! When someone says, "I'm sorry" what do you feel? Sorry comes from two places. The first is self-centered and means, I hope this never happens to me. The second is from empathy and is genuine support. Either way, you can choose to receive the "I'm sorry's" in a way that empowers you. There is nothing to be sorry for. Divorce affects almost half the populations, so it's a common, normal, and predictable life transition. The only thing to be sorry for is if you don't grow from the experience.
I'd love to help you make the best out of this painful situation. Schedule some time with me and let's see if I can help you.
More how to deal with depression advice on YourTango: