5 Things You MUST Do For Your Partner To Pick YOU Over Porn

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porn addiction
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Heartbreak, Sex

When porn is hurting your relationship, something's got to change.

It's never easy to see reminders that your lover finds the image of another exciting. Some people feel sad and others get angry. They think, What's wrong with me? Aren't I enough? We rarely want to face the scary truth that we are ALL attracted to people other than our partner.

But since this truth about ourselves is so difficult to stomach, we instead look for something to blame. We say that we're "addicted" to porn. In this sexually suppressive American culture, you're better off when you're called an addict rather than a highly sexual person. We struggle to acknowledge that we're sexually curious beings. For this reason, it becomes even harder to respond rationally when we discover our romantic partner has been watching porn.

Porn addiction has become a hot topic in the media lately because researchers recently announced that it actually doesn't exist.

A recent study from neuroscientists at UCLA found that porn "addiction" isn't real. They discovered that when people see erotic images, the brain does not show the same reactions as it does to cocaine, cigarettes and gambling — all proven addictions. This comes only a number of years after a similar study at UCLA disproved sex addiction. We can no longer blame our interest in watching porn or our high desire for sex on addiction. We have to start to looking at what's really motivating our behavior.

Turns out, we also have to admit we like porn.

But what do we do when a partner's use of porn is hurting us? Can a relationship be rehabilitated after a partner's overuse of porn?

Here's what you need to do if your romantic partner's porn habits are damaging your relationship:

1. Accept Their Sexual Nature

If your partner's watching porn, they're doing it because they're experiencing a surge of sexual energy that they want to respond to. If you're not available to them for sex, they will turn to self-pleasuring, otherwise known as masturbation. Orgasm through masturbation is accomplished through fantasy, photographic images or film, such as porn. There's nothing wrong with a regular desire to masturbate or have sex. In fact, studies have shown that sex is very healthy for us. It's time for you to acknowledge that your partner is a sexual being. Rather than judging them, recognize that their sexuality is healthy, and find ways that you can enjoy sexuality together.

2. Have A Conversation About Sex

I talk to so many couples who never talk about sex — ever! Some have 20 year marriages and never talk about it. When you don't talk about sex with your partner, there's so much you never learn about them. What turns your partner on? What do they like about your body? What is their deepest, darkest sexual fantasy? What do they think is especially naughty? A conversation about sex is where it all begins.

Surprise your partner at dinner tonight and be the first to break the ice. “So, I've been thinking a lot these days about sex ... ” and then start to ask them about what they like. Get them talking about the sex you both had when you first met. What do they remember? I guarantee you'll have the most interesting dinner conversation you've had in a long time.

3. Create The Fantasy Together

Once you've learned what gets your partner all hot and bothered, you get to create the fantasy. Enjoy the pleasure that comes from giving your partner pleasure. In fact, if you focus on how much pleasure you're giving your partner, it can even bring you to orgasm. Does your partner want you on top more? In a public place? Do they want you to spank them or talk dirty to them during sex? Discover what you're comfortable with and create your partner's fantasy together.

Some of their fantasies might not turn you on (or might even frighten you). Maybe you aren't comfortable or open to exploring it at all. No problem! Everything in sex exists on a gradient scale. Maybe instead of a threesome you just talk about or imagine a third person is there while you're having sex. Your imagination is a powerful tool!

4. Be Available For Sex More Often

Dr. Alfred Kinsey famously discovered in the 1950s that we all have different levels of libido. Some of us need sex every day, while others desire it much less. If your partner is watching porn everyday, it's likely that they're desiring sex more often than you're providing it.

Find out when they're most interested in sex (morning, late afternoon, middle of the night) and plan accordingly. You don't have to dress up, have an orgasm or even have sex for very long. It's an act of love to share your body and your sexuality with your partner, even if you're not always in the mood. And often, once you begin, your sexual desire will start to flow. Showing up for sex with your partner tells them that their sexual needs are important to you and that you honor who they are as a sexual being.

5. Get Help With Your Relationship

Sometimes porn is a way to avoid the problems in a relationship or in one's life. Sometimes talking with your partner about sex isn't enough to fix the problem because deeper issues are at play. Maybe your desire for your partner has recently vanished? It's likely that there 's resentment, anger, rejection or pain deep below the surface that you need to talk about and heal before you can find sexual compatibility. Think of sex as a barometer for your relationship. If the sex isn't enjoyable and fun, then it's time to get some help with your relationship. It's not as difficult as you think to rediscover the fantastic partner that you fell in love with not that long ago!

Discovering that your partner is watching porn is often a shock, but it's also a great discovery. It's an instant opportunity to talk about sex with the one you love!

Not sure whether your partner is watching porn?

Ask them. Your partner is likely very eager to open up their sexual world to you. We live in a culture with so much shame around sexuality that it's hard to talk about sex. A question like, “So what kind of porn do you like?” might be more warmly received than, “Are you watching porn?” You're likely to get a more honest answer as well, and an honest conversation about sex is where all the healing begins. Porn doesn't have to mean the end of a sexual relationship, so make it a new beginning!

Lauren Brim is a sex coach at TheNewRulesofSex.com. Contact her for information on how sex coaching can improve your relationship or purchase her Sexual Mastery Series online.

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