What can you do? Empathize with her. This means you genuinely put yourself in her shoes – try to imagine that you’ve just done all the things she’s done in her day, feeling the way she feels right now, and think of what you’d most want at that moment (no, not sex. Remember you’re thinking like a worn-out woman here.) Maybe it’s a backrub, getting dinner together, or just leaving her alone for an hour. ASK, then DO IT. Put her needs first and foremost – it will not go unnoticed. And even if it doesn’t end in sex for you tonight, believe me when I say that you are putting an emotional deposit in her bank – one that can only come back to you tenfold. A woman who truly knows in her heart that she is more important to her man than sex will always be more willing, ready and wanting to be intimate than a woman who suspects he “just wants sex”.
Number three: she’s not in the mood. See number two for the why, but this too is a valid situation. Since we are born multi-taskers (and research is showing that this isn’t such a good thing), our minds are in an ADHD-like frenzy all day long, trying to accomplish everything on our things-to-do lists. In contrast, it’s pretty linear for a man: he thinks about sex, realizes he wants it, and goes about getting it. He’s the hunter, remember; women are the gatherers. So a woman who’s literally been beating the bushes all day for home and hearth can’t easily drop it all and “get in the mood”. It’s too jarring, too abrupt, and can feel downright invasive, as in “can’t you see I'm busy?!?”
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What can you do? Help her transition. Since this is closely tied to number two, any of those suggestions would be a good starting point. But here you can go further – as in, focus on pleasing her. Concretely: this means your pace is slower, you are kissing her more, and overall sending her the signal that you want her to feel good. You are putting her first, and she will feel it. If this is new for you, she might be wary and think it won’t last. BE CONSISTENT. Again, it might not be tonight, but if you employ this approach more often than not, you will have more sex – I can almost guarantee it. A woman sometimes needs to be reminded that underneath the roles of wife, girlfriend, mother, employee, businessperson, student, volunteer (or any of the other eight million hats she wears), she is still a sexual being. Often this part gets buried under everything else – but it’s still there. If you as her man take the time to help her reconnect with this part of her, it can only be good for both of you.
Be prepared – like any goal worth achieving, it takes time and patience to go this route, and it won’t be easy to not think of your needs first and automatically. But your reward will be a deeper, richer aspect to your relationship – an authentic sexual and intimate connection with a woman who desires you back. And isn’t that what you really want?
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Tell me what you think. Comment, email or tweet: firstname.lastname@example.org, and on twitter @laurelfay.
Next time: a cheat sheet for women on how to get and stay in the mood – not just for him, but for yourself!