The wedding was tons of work, I know. Turns out that was the easy part
You don't know me and I don't know you, but I felt compelled to write you this letter. I am a marriage therapist, and though you haven't asked for my input, I'd like to give it to you as a wedding gift.
There's been a lot of buzz about your wedding. Kudos to you on both counts, by the way: one, from the glimpses I got flipping through the channels past ET and walking my cart through the grocery store, it looked beautiful. Of course with several million dollars worth of wedding contributions, it would be hard to screw that up! (LOL) Which brings me to my second kudo - you are indeed a shrewd businesswoman. I heard today that you probably didn't pay a cent for anything, and will most likely make money on your own wedding through TV specials, etc. Wow! You should think about going into wedding planning - seriously. I might call you myself if I ever renew my vows.
It's not the wedding itself that I wanted to talk about, though it's what prompted my letter. Basically, I'm worried about you. Believe me, I have alot of other things I could be worried about: did you hear, for instance, that we had an earthquake on the East Coast yesterday? I know you're probably used to it in California, but it was pretty scary for us out here. So, I could be worried about that, or about a million other things. But Kim dear, tonight you are on my list.
Why, you may ask? It does seem a bit silly to worry about someone like you, who at first glance has everything anyone could possibly want: beauty, fame, money, and now a handsome husband. But that's what I wanted to discuss.
Kim, the wedding looked spectacular. Now, it's over. And if you're anything like the rest of us, you might be having a little post-wedding letdown. Don't worry; it's totally normal. I'm sure a fabulous honeymoon in Bora Bora or Fiji or Antartica will help. But eventually, it's just you and him. So I wanted to offer you a little free advice. Take it or leave it, it's up to you - but it is given with the best of intentions. Here it is, five free tips for a happy and lasting union.
1. Concentrate on building your marriage with as much - or more! - effort as you spent on your wedding.
An oldie but a goodie, this is timeless advice. I hope you've heard it. A wedding - even a lavish, fabulous one - is one day, a snapshot, a moment in time. A real marriage (Britney Spears notwithstanding) lasts much longer than that, and takes much more work. Do everything you can as early in the marriage as possible to set up some guidelines, rituals, traditions - whatever you can to innoculate yourselves against the storms that will inevitably come. Expect them. Prepare for them (like I will be getting batteries and water this week; see earthquake reference above). Read some books (I can recommend some if you'd like; check out http://www.laurelfay.com), take a class, do whatever you have to do to learn how to really communicate, fight fair, and make up authentically. Remember that what's important isn't how it looks, but how it is behind closed doors (with no cameras rolling.) Speaking of cameras...
2. Keep it private.
May I implore you not to televise your marriage? Remember the lesson of Jessica and Nick, and protect your infant marriage from the vultures as you would protect your infant baby from any predator. Keep what is between you and Kris sacred and private. And when you get into an argument, vent to someone who is a fan of and advocate for your marriage. Mom might not be the best choice in this scenario, simply because Mom loves you most of all. Long after you and hubby kiss and make up, Mom remembers your tears and will secretly - though she won't want to, though she'll insist she doesn't - hold it against him. Don't put her, him, or you in that position. Vent to a friend or a sister - that one who's had some relationship problems of her own would be a good choice.
3. Have sex regularly.
On second thought, you probably already know this one. But, when the kids come, you might want to revisit this piece of advice. The truth is that a man who is having sex regularly with his wife is a happy man (and vice versa). Yeah, you knew that.
4. Support him in his work, hobbies, time with friends.
Make sure he does the same with you. Remember that just because you're married now, it doesn't mean you turn into the same person. Keep your individual interests and you will be more interesting to each other. That being said, always make each other #1.
5. On the days you can't stand him, remember your vows.
Oh, I know you think right now that day will never come. Honey, it will. Despite his charm and good looks and great body (ok, I flipped through that magazine at the Safeway checkout), he will annoy the crap out of you at times. On occasion, you will even ask yourself, "What the hell was I thinking?" Rest assured, this is normal. Get some space, talk a walk, go shopping (take me!) - do whatever you have to do to calm down and center yourself. Then ask yourself homestly: what did I do to contribute? There's always two sides to a story. If you and your honey get into a bad argument, chances are good both of you are hurting. Try to connect with the ways you might have hurt him, and I can almost guarantee he will be more likely to do the same. Then make up (see #3).
Kim, I hope this helps. I truly wish you both the best. It won't always be easy, but if you are both committed to making your marriage work, you will do it, and enjoy one of the truly great pleasures in life: a happy union, married to the love of your life. And when you hit a rough patch and need some help, I do phone consultations too. :)
Fingers crossed for you,