Are you sabotaging your ability to find new love?
I hear it all the time from women; it is the question, "What am I doing wrong?" If I were looking for new friends, I would simply answer, "Nothing, you are a loving, kind, beautiful, smart and fun woman; just be patient and the right guy will come along. It isn't you!" But I am not looking for new friends.
I am a Love Intentionalist and Strategist who supports women to attract and create extraordinary love and relationships that are sustainable over time. What I have found working with hundreds of women is that they often sabotage their own ability to find new love; and they do it without even knowing.
The three things that women do to sabotage love both while dating and in the early stages of the relationship are to:
These three words will end a relationship before it even has a chance to begin; let me explain how.
Women love to predict what could, should, or will happen right from the start; I call this "future-tripping". Future-tripping is when our desire to partner and our enthusiasm over early signs of compatibility and attraction drive us to fast forward 6 months, a year, five years...and act as if we are planning an exciting new life with the man we have only been on one or two dates with.
We will not only create a fantasy life far into the future (that sometimes includes children, vacations and a dream home) but share this fantasy with our new love hoping to engage him the same level of enthusiasm.
The problem is, he is still on date number two; looking for fun, flirtation, a shared experience, and an opportunity to learn about you...in the present. He is not thinking about children, purchasing a home, or a lifetime commitment. So when we leave the present to predict the future and plan for the longevity of the relationship, we not only turn him off, but we scare him and send him out to find someone to have a great night with.
It is not that he would not or could not be the man to fulfill your fantasy, but he doesn't even know you well enough yet to find out. Stay present when dating and in the early months of the relationship and focus your attention and intention on getting to know the man across the table from you.
Recently a client said to me, "He never has time to give me a call, it has been over a month and we only go out once a week. He must be seeing someone else." Women love to presume that we know what is going on in someone else's head and life, even in the absence of facts and information. We even convince ourselves that what we presume is true. And you and I both know what happens according to the law of attraction; that which we focus on we will draw into our lives.
If you have a habit of presuming why the person you are dating does and says what he is doing and saying, without gathering facts and information, you will almost always sabotage the relationship before it even begins. Perhaps he was dating someone else when he met you and is in the process of letting that relationship go so that he can spend more time with you, but he is doing it in his time and in his way. Two dates does not make a relationship, it is still early in the dating stage.
Or perhaps he has other commitments in his life outside of his full time job; like a weekly tennis game, a weekly guy's night out, volunteer commitments, or any number of other things that he needs to adjust in order to accommodate a dating life and new relationship. And this doesn't even include having kids if he is a single parent.
Before you presume to know something that you truly don’t know for sure, it is best to be curious; to find a way to inquire and communicate in a way that allows you to learn more about him. There are always reasons why people act the way they do; and it is usually not what it appears to be. Being curious while you are dating and creating a new relationship will allow you to determine if this is a person with whom you can envision a future.
There are very few promises that any of us can make and know with certainty that we will never break them. Many times, in an effort to hold on to a person or relationship that may not be going exactly as we would like, we make all kinds of promises:
"I promise not to do that again"
"I promise not to say that in the future"
"I promise to change...."
The problem is that when we make promises we either can't or have no intention of keeping, the only outcome will be a loss of credibility and trust. Before the words "I promise" come out of your mouth, take time to reflect on what it is you want to say and why and that it is something you can comfortably and confidently state for the right reasons. When dating and looking for romance and new love, stay away from the three P’s and instead replace them with staying in the present and the joy, passion and fun of the moment you are in.
More relationship coach advice from YourTango
- The Kiss Of Death For Relationships Revealed
- 6 Surprising Secrets To A Happy Relationship
- Relationship In Limbo? Use The Breakup Formula