I see countless articles focused on telling women what they are doing right and wrong to keep a man. Telling them things that will turn him on, turn him off, and how to get a man.
For the respect of all womankind, STOP reading them.
I haven't seen one article telling a woman how to be happy without trying to please a man. Before you think I am a man-hater or anti-relationship, you need to know I'm a former perfectionist people pleaser who once felt life is not complete unless I’m in love or marriage.
I was married for 10 years but still found myself searching for the "perfect" relationship.
This notion that you can't be happy without a relationship or as a man’s wife is literally killing women today. I say this from personal experience.
I spent years and years in a relationship with a man who did great things for me. He was a good provider event though I worked too. We went on fabulous trips, and had a beautiful home.
In the end we just didn't have enough common ground to keep us together. We wanted different things.
During our relationship I lived in a couple different places. I always thought if I could live in a better place, meet people I had more in common with I would be so happy.
When I became single I was wrong.
I learned nothing could be further from the truth. No matter how much love he tries to give, how big the house, bank account or penis is — the real truth is, a man can not make you happy.
I realized I expected somebody else to make me happy. They had to be fulfilling my needs for me. They had to made me feel good.
I actually probably drove men crazy with my expectations of what I needed in a relationship. I went back-and-forth between being a people pleaser and trying to control their actions.
I wanted the outcome to be in line with what I thought I needed to be happy. Then it turns out that old saying that I always ignored is totally correct, "happiness is inside of you".
When you stop controlling yourself by trying to figure out what a man wants and stop trying to please men by getting into things that you don't really want, you realize that what you really need you already have.
It’s an amazing power of self confidence and self-fulfillment. That kind of power is intoxicating to men. How do you figure out how to be happy with yourself?
Stop focusing on what other people should be doing or how they should be acting
If you start feeling angry because something isn’t done your way ask yourself why that person should do that for you. Is it a genuine request or is it because you feel you're entitled to it?
What do you need to be happy? How can you give it to your self?
Make a list of what you need and figure out what you can do to give it to yourself. If you think your partner should work less so they have more time to spend with you; what can you do while they try to make that happen?
Become financially independent
Instead of waiting for a man to make your life great because you have two incomes what can you do in your career? When you do find the one you won't feel that he should be doing anything for you because you can do it yourself.
Spend time alone and lots of it
In my marriage I was alone a lot. I didn't have many friends in the area and hated it. Instead of using this time to build more on myself or challenge myself by creating new avenues to meet people, I let resentment build up which affected my relationship.
What I learned is it’s my responsibility to create a life for myself.
After my divorce, when I found myself alone and started looking to blame situations again, I realized that I needed the time alone. I stopped focusing on things outside of myself. I stopped running away from what I was really feeling.
I had to learn how to be good to myself as well as be alone with myself. It allowed me to figure out ways I could create what I wanted in my life without feeling like I needed someone else to complete me.
I learned to be happy with me. Not a man, not money, not stuff, just me. Honestly that's a better feeling than being happy with a man because now I can be happy whether he is there or not. An added bonus is it gives me confidence that makes all my relationships better.
A happy me NOW, makes an awesome partner later!
Do you need tips on how to end people pleasing and focus on you? Get my free e-book. Laura Bozarth is the founder of Good Girls Health. It became clear to her after working with countless female clients that women spend way too much time in perfectionism and people pleasing which can self sabotage even the most successful of women.