Whether desired too much or too little, this is the most common mismatch I see and the most destructive to any relationship. Why? Because as soon as any of these stories come up couples start to look for reasons why they are not good enough for each other. They find themselves apologizing for lack of or too much attention when they don’t feel like they did anything wrong. Instantly the relationship is steeped in resentment, shame, blame and guilt. Love is lost and too often the only way out is to end what had been an amazing relationship.
The challenges begin shortly after you find a great match. You enjoy the same things, love to talk with each other, sex is amazing and when the two of you are alone together nothing seems more perfect. But for one of you the those feelings are not near as strong, or not there at all when you're not together.
The reason this is so common and so devastating is because of chemistry. Chemistry is a physical drug that elevates our desire to be with someone. When one partners desire is huge and the other is not it is easy to go to a place of not good enough. Or to feel overwhelmed by your partners wants. They feel needy and it makes you want to pull away. The truth is they are rarely needy. They simply have a strong desire for you. When I ask my clients if they think they're needy, consistently I here:
"My gosh no. I want to be with my partner but I totally want them to have their freedom and be able to do things without me to as well. I could never spend all my time with them. I just wish they showed more interest in wanting to be with me."
When I talk to the partner that is showing less desire and ask them if they love their partner or if they are committed to their relationship, their response is almost always,
"Of course, there is no one else I'm interested in. I love they way we connect. He or she is the most important person in my life. I just wish I didn't feel like I constantly have to prove it." Keep reading...