Every relationship has its own up and downs, of course. After all we live in a school of drama and we love the passion, the hit and the “I love you” that comes after the steaming quarrel. At the same time, having an awareness of your own choices, whether they explode out of your fear and anger or are generated in response to what is presented to you helps you see a bigger picture and make more conscious decisions. After all these decisions are about what is the quality of your vibrational signature and how it influences your environment. It is about at what emotional level do you chose to experience your life.
For example, while we internalize our cultural or family’s “dos”, “shoulds” and “do nots”, our body/mind system identifies with these external demands and changes our priorities. We start responding to other people’s needs and desires instead of following our own inclinations. Every critical remark makes us feel that we are not living up to someone’s expectations. We become less confident and certain about our decisions. Then we change our behaviors in order to please others and prove our self-worth. Sometimes we also fight back in order to restore our dignity and gain our control over ourselves.
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If these external pressures are experienced over a substantial period of time (even for a month or so) your body, mind and spirit adapts to these challenges. What you felt before as an intrusion and oppression becomes your normal second nature. As you go through schooling, marriage, and raising your own children, you energetically share these pressures of fear, concern, and self-doubt and start attracting similar sensations through relationships and situations of your life. Every time you experience the same pressure reflected back to us, you are reminded about your inner misalignment and realize how out of balance we feel.
Lacking true, unconditional self-love and genuine interest in our own lives, we constantly look for people that may fulfill our need for inner safety and acceptance. Mistaking this need for a true love, we create all kinds of co-dependent relationships that remind us of our family of origin or reflect our own state of neediness. Even though these relationships keep us unbalanced, unhealthy and unhappy, they provide us with a familiar environment that we already learned to navigate by either being invisible or fighting for our freedom.
Even though our actions may create an illusion of comfort through avoiding criticism and angry interactions, a deep inner resentment and a bottomless un-satisfaction begin to build up. This energy disrupts our life flow and we start experiencing our relationships as a struggle.
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While you continue to participate in any relationship, you carry on producing the pain or pleasure chemicals that create an inner environment that either supports or enslaves you. When you are consciously and unconsciously provoking unpleasant states because these are the only limited states you know through your relationship, you enter the loop you no longer can control. I call this type of relationship Feeling Good When Feeling Bad.