Is he REALLY ready to change?
So you broke up with that guy who seemed so awesome, and meant just for you.
You shared happy moments and the everyday hurdles of life.
His jokes were so funny, and his words touched your heart.
At first, all of the little things that didn't work for you were easy to ignore.
He didn't like his job, but never looked for a new one. Or you'd come home from work just wanting to rest, but the house looked like a pack of wild dogs had been there all day, instead of just him.
Your decision to break up with him came naturally. He didn’t seem to mind either — so you separated peacefully — promising to keep in contact.
But after dating around for a while, nothing seemed right.
Until one day you find a message from him on your phone ... and you start talking again.
I have seen it many times in my practice.
One reason is because the relationship could have worked the first time, but the partners were not willing to put enough effort in it.
They thought it would just be easier to break up and find somebody new.
Another reason is that after trying and failing more relationships, they suddenly remember how warm and connected they used to feel with that person.
But will it really be better?
Should you get back together with your ex?
Based on my professional experience, you should only do it if you lay out some ground rules.
You don’t want to fall into the same pitfalls again and again.
Here are five rules, based upon what has worked for the people in my practice, that he must follow if he wants to get back together.
Rule number 1: He will show real initiative to make the relationship work.
Whether it is planning your next vacation together or deciding to move to a different neighborhood, a lot of my clients complain that once they are settled in a relationship, the guys become too comfortable.
He just wants to watch TV and have sex sometimes, and nothing else.
Meanwhile, she’d like to go on hikes, sightseeing, to live performances, exhibitions, etc.
So, don’t forget, ladies, before you take your ex back, establish that he needs to take an active part in making plans, big or small.
Rule number 2: He will prioritize romance in your relationship.
Almost all the ladies feel a lack of romance in their relationships, but the truth is that guys also would like to be more romantic and experience it with their partner, too.
They simply don’t know how!
Let him know what it is that makes your heart melt, whether it is bringing you flowers occasionally, complimenting your looks, sending flirty texts throughout the day, or something else.
Don’t forget, ladies, that you need to be romantic with your man as well.
It will pay off to send him little sweet messages every now and then and surprise him with getting a new copy of that magazine he likes.
Money problems can make or break any relationship, and it may have played a grave role in bringing yours to the end in the first place.
You need to be very open about your budget: how much each of you are going to contribute to rent, utilities, other household expenses, percentage-wise or based on your incomes proportionally?
Don’t forget about your entertainment costs, either.
Whether you are taking turns paying when you go out, or you have a separate fund for it, or he pays for dinners and you pay for movies — whatever works for you — please, discuss it before you plunge into re-inventing your relationship!
It is impossible to underestimate the role miscommunication plays in failed relationships.
Communication is everyday work! You can't worry about it only when there's a problem.
Follow the main principles of listening to each other’s point of view and trying to understand what your partner means.
Try not to fall into self-defensiveness or criticize each other, and instead take a short time-out and ask yourself, "Is it really what he wants to convey?"
If in doubt, simply ask!
Don’t be afraid to ask! This goes both to girls and guys.
Try to be open and non-judgmental, and your relationship will flourish!
Let him know if you felt before that something was lacking in your love-making.
Tell him if it used to be too boring, or you wanted to experiment more, or if you needed more (or less) foreplay or to try new positions.
Talk about who should be initiating sex and how often you’d like to have it.
Maybe you’d like to do it but not necessarily in the bedroom. This would be a good time to discuss it.
Do not forget to listen attentively to your partner’s opinion.
Remember that in the relationship, physical intimacy is a very important aspect, and understanding both of your needs will help you to succeed!
After all, you share a common history and already know a lot about each other, which is priceless.
However, you do not want to fail for the second time — but it IS possible not to!
Follow the five ground rules described above, and do not hold back. If you are very open about expectations in every side of life, you can succeed at getting back together!