Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

7 Little Things You Do That KILL Your Chances With Him

Photo: WeHeartIt
first date tips
Expert
Love

This may explain why he hasn't called you back...

Imagine you have been chatting with a guy you really like on one of the dating sites.

He is attractive, has a nice sense of humor, a wicked smile, seems to be witty and, most importantly, is genuinely interested in you.

Finally, he asks to see you in person!

You put on your new dress and meet him at the hip bar you keep hearing about for a real date.

And here he is! Just as good, and even better, than you thought.

You have a few drinks, chat, laugh at his jokes, and it seems like you both enjoy yourself. 

You hum all the way home, and can’t wait to see him again.

But the next day he doesn’t call or even text.

You can’t wait anymore, and by the evening text him. His response is delayed and cold.

After that, he is gone. Completely. Without a trace.

You ask yourself the question so many women ask themselves in that situation: What could have gone so wrong?

This question bothers many of my clients, and I hear accounts of the first dates gone wrong from both sides.

As a result of my observations and surveying my male clients, I've come up with this list of 7 things that women do during the first date that turn the guys off.

Because once you know what might be turning guys off, you can make some simple changes that will help your next first date go much better!

 

1. Complaining about anything and everything.

You may not even notice it.

It may be such a natural thing for you to express how the service in the bar is slow or inefficient, how the place is too cold or too warm, how the same cocktail you had in a different bar tasted so much better.

And then moving into complaining about your messy roommate, about your over demanding mother,  about a stupid paper you have to write for your finals.

Girls! It is time to realize that guys do not like complainers.

He was probably nodding but thinking: “Gosh! If she is complaining about everything on our first date, then what will be in a month if we continue seeing each other? Run!”

 

2. Constantly checking your phone and exchanging texts with other people while you are talking with him.

It does not really matter if you are chatting with your sister, checking your Facebook, or responding to messages from another guy.

He probably couldn't care less.

It is simply impolite, bordering on rude, not to give him your complete undivided attention, especially if you are seeing him for the first time.

It seems to your guy that meeting him is just one of many things that occupy your mind, and he may not be your priority.

And that is an unpleasant thought for his ego! For anyone's really!

Don’t make him feel number twelve or thirty-five, when we should all feel like number one on a date!

 

3. Being judgmental.  

Sure, you are trying your best to be sweet and understanding with your new potential Mr. Right, but think again: Did you really keep all the judgment out of your conversation?

Did you avoid criticism altogether?

Remember when he started opening up? It felt so good, didn’t it?

He told you about his recent argument with his big sister about her kids, and you couldn’t help but point out something like, “She is your sister after all. Maybe you can be more understanding of her?”

Or he described a challenge at work and his boss yelling at him, and you, instead of just offering a sweet understanding smile and reassuring him that everything will work out, started analyzing his position in that argument and offering some insights about what in his behavior provoked his boss’s reaction.

Hey, girl! Did he ask you for your opinion? Did it seem like a support or a criticism to him?

This is a huge issue, ladies.

It is time to understand that guys, especially in the very beginning of your relationship, can’t stand any criticism or anything that can be perceived like judgment.

They need to feel that you will be on their side unconditionally!

 

4. Asking too many personal questions.

Let’s accept it, my friends. All of us representatives of the finest half of the mankind are often too curious, or better to say nosy, especially when it involves finding out more information about our new date.

If he just mentions his ex-girlfriend, we often start asking how long they dated, what she was like, why and how they broke up, who caused it, and so on.

Or let’s say he talked briefly about having changed jobs.

We jump right into all kinds of questions about what was wrong with the previous job; whether the was pay not good enough, or if the problem was that it too boring or too demanding for him, and a thousand other questions.

The guys start feeling they are being grilled worse than at a job interview.

Would you like to be interrogated by your potential sweetheart? Would you find that attractive?

 

5. Closed-off body posture.  

Do not underestimate the role of your body language.

What you are saying non-verbally is equally, if not more important, than what you are saying verbally.

If your body language is not responsive, but on the contrary distant, you may inadvertently give your guy an impression that you are not interested in his company, regardless of what you may be saying.

Remember to keep an eye contact, be leaning forward, smiling, responding or giving a light touch, and even just being relaxed.

Leave all your doubts and mental discomforts at home and just enjoy your time together! You will have plenty of opportunities to analyze it later!

 

6. Non-feminine manners.  

It is quite interesting that in our age of complete equality, men are still attracted to a lady who shows some traditional feminine qualities.

And please don’t misunderstand me! I’m not talking about funny little grimaces or necessarily wearing high heels and a ton of make-up to your first date.

Definitely not!

By all means, be who you really are.

You can wear a pair of your favorite jeans and a comfy sweater, and still display feminine manners.

You do not have to have acrylic nails, but your hands and your face should be fresh and taken care of.

If you drink, don’t drink excessively. Do not be too loud or use profanities.

Allow him to place a food order if he feels like it, and ask his opinion about what he thinks is a good choice of appetizer.

Mind you, you don’t have to follow his advice, but asking for it would be appreciated.

And yes, definitely, you can offer to split the bill.

But if he wants it to be his treat, don’t insist. Allow him a little display of his “Provider” instinct.

After all, the next time you can take care of the bill, if this is important to you.

 

7. Do not be too late!  

This may come as a common knowledge, but a lot of guys I surveyed expressed that they hate it when a girl is late for the first date.

Being five or seven minutes late is fine, but when you keep him waiting for fifteen or more, he starts thinking that you will not show up at all.

And with that, comes a flood of negative emotions, from self-pity to an acute anger.

When you finally show up, you may not receive a reaction you have been hoping for, but instead something sarcastic or even mean.

It may spoil your whole date!

If there are some real circumstances that delay you, be polite and let him know.

Just sending a quick text “will be 15 min. late” releases the tension and removes potential animosity.

 

So, are you guilty of any of these? 

Now you can analyze your previous date according to these principles, and maybe you will find some answers to the questions that bother you.

And more importantly, please take these insights, coming from the guys’ perspective, into consideration when planning your next one!

Try to be attentive, accepting, give him your attention, do not be nosy, send welcoming non-verbal signals, show your feminine side, and do not be late!

And hopefully, your next date will turn out to be a complete success!

 

For more personal advice on dating and relationship, go to Lana Cole’s website www.counselingforhappylife.com.

 

 
Author
Expert