Who Should Pay for Dinner on a Date?
In a recent workshop, one of my participants asked the question:
“Who should pay for dinner on a date?”
This is not the first time I’ve been asked this question. What is interesting though is that the ONLY students who ask me this are my female participants. However this isn’t surprising if we look at women and money from a historical perspective..
Today, women have plenty of access to money allowing them to have a new sense of freedom and independence. Money = Independence.
Because money has meant both love and independence for women, a new inner conflict has risen up within women in the modern dating scene. A woman’s wiring (historically) is telling her the man is the provider, yet on the other hand she’s perfectly capable of paying for everything herself.
For the guys reading this, you can’t imagine the awkwardness that women experience when the meal ends and the bill arrives. As soon as that bill lands on the table, most women start having thoughts like:
“If I don’t pay for half the check, he’s going to expect sex”
“If I don’t pay for my share, he’ll think I’m needy and can’t take care of myself”
I know it might be surprising for men to find this out, but it’s the reality for just about every woman you will ever ask out on a date. So, to alleviate the pressure women feel and give the guys some insight, let’s break down the above two scenarios.
1) Men do not expect sex from women.
Quality men have very little expectation on what will happen when dinner is over – regardless of who’s paying the bill.
Women have the final say on whether or not a date will continue into the bedroom and men are not paying for dinner with sole purpose of getting them into bed. For guys, they think it would be nice if it happens. Truth be told, men consider themselves lucky if sex happens and it’s not at the top of their agenda. Men are clear it’s up to the woman and what she wants – not what HE wants in the sex department.
What is at the top of a man’s agenda is making sure the woman is having a good time and that he’s making a good impression. Do men want sex – sure! But so do women! A man only wants to have sex with a woman who wants it too – not because he paid the bill and she feels obligated.
When a man asks a woman out on a date, not only is he anticipating paying the bill, he’s only going to take her to a restaurant he can afford in the first place.
The only thing he’s expecting in return is a woman’s appreciation for whatever he produces for her on the date. Period.
2) Men want women who demonstrate they at least need SOME things.
Every woman has either met or has a woman in her social circle that have no problem attracting men around them – even if they aren’t that good looking. This type of woman always seems to need something and looks like she’s incapable of taking care of herself – yet the men flock around her.
Know what her secret is? She makes men feel USEFUL around her.
You may be surprised to know that men are starved right now to be around women who ask for what they want and let men produce for them.
I’m not suggesting that women become complete wallflowers, nor am I suggesting that men cater to a woman’s every whim. This is more about sacrificing a little independence so men will have at least something to fix/do/produce so they feel needed by you in some way.
A man’s definition of a woman who can ‘take care of herself’ is not about whether or not she’s paying the dinner bill. He’s looking to see if she’s level headed, non critical, fun, appreciating him and graciously lets him know what she needs.
I am NOT saying women should NEVER reciprocate with money. What I’m trying to get across to women is only do that when it feels natural, not out of fear or obligation.
For women, the most valuable currency you can give a man is showing your appreciation every time they do something for you. Enjoying yourself while you’re on a date and letting a man practice chivalry with you has been and always will be priceless to a man.
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