50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex

Ask Kim: “How to stop repeating negative patterns”


Ask Kim: “How to stop repeating negative patterns”
Question: “I seem to only be attracted to emotionally unavailable men who resist commitment.

Question: “I seem to only be attracted to emotionally unavailable men who resist commitment. I date them then break it off because it’s unhealthy. How do I end this repeating pattern? ”
- A.K, Vancouver BC

Answer: Thanks for writing in A.K.! I know it’s SO frustrating to have those pesky patterns you can’t seem to shake on your own. No matter what book you read or advice from friends – nothing seems to work, right?

More from YourTango: How to Communicate When an Argument is Brewing

So let’s dive in and see if we can start to create some movement forward for you…
The best place to start with this is over there with you. What’s so great about how you phrased your question – it looks like you’re already taking responsibility and understand this is your pattern and not the fault of men. Very powerful place to come from!

I often share how women are like a radio frequency. It doesn’t matter how you look or what you say to a man, his antennae will mostly pick up on what’s happening Inside of you and how it FEELS to be around you.

So, if you haven’t healed past hurt and pain from other men, it’s very likely you’ve got some walls up and are in a bit of fear about opening your heart fully to a man.

This is impacting your love life and results you’re getting in 2 ways:

  1. You will attract the exact mirror of your “inner” frequency (not fully available men)
  2. You’re acting out unconscious behaviour that reflects what you have not healed – pushing away available men

As you can see, your current results have a lot to do with your inner world and blind spots – this is why you haven’t been able to shift this pattern on your own – you can’t change what you can’t see, yes?

When I work with clients who want to break a pattern in a live session, I’ll typically walk them through a series of questions to support their healing and releasing the pattern permanently. Obviously this isn’t a live session, so here are 3 great questions to help get the process started for you on your own.

I recommend grabbing a journal and really giving yourself the space and time to answer these questions.


  1. As a child, what did you observe about your parent’s relationship? What did they “teach” you about how men and women relate with each other?
  2. From the observations and insights in question # 1, how are your childhood experiences playing out and impacting your adult love life? Can you make any connections?
  3. Other than your love life, where else does this pattern of people resisting committing to you (or you to them) and “emotionally unavailable” show up? (family, friends etc…)

This will be a powerful first step to support you with gaining clarity and begin to activate releasing your pattern. If you feel like you may need to go deeper and want support with that, another option would be to attend my next Feminine Power Workshop , ok?

Thanks again for writing in A.K. and sending you many, soulmate blessings!

More from YourTango: How to Embrace Your Personal Power With Love & Money

Feel Like You're In a Dating Jungle? Grrr… So Frustrating! Sign Up To Receive Your FREE:
5 Part Audio Series "The 5 Essential Steps For Dating Success"

Do you have questions for Kim? Leave a Comment Below.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Recent Expert Posts
Staying Dry

Letting Go Is Hard To Do

Healing your heart after divorce or loss of a spouse is worth the effort. Letting go is hard to do.

cozy up

Showing Love Through Touch

Touch is so incredibly important in relationships.


Listen Up, Darling: A Sex Kitten Is Never Hangry or Tired

Recently I shared eight surprising traits of a sex kitten. Each of those traits are ones that ...

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>