Why You Aren't Happily Ever After Anymore


unhappy after marriage
Why you might be feeling your new spouse is now a stranger.
Did you think once you got married, it would be smooth sailing and now it's anything but?

All of this is what gets in the way of maintaining a happy and satisfied relationship. We forget to prioritize our loved one because we tend to take him/her for granted. Men slowly start to be less romantic, while women slowly begin to be less sexual. If left undiagnosed and untreated, then you can get to a place where you are strangers living in the same home.

The second reason things change is our beliefs, values, and expectations. This is what happened in the case of my husband and I. Whenever a couple enters marriage, even after living together for a long time previous, they bring with them all their preconceived ideas of what being married looks like, including their beliefs, values, and expectations around what it means to be a husband and a wife.

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These values, beliefs and expectations apply to us, as well as our spouses. We know how we should be and how our partners should be as well. So why is this a problem? Usually it's a problem because our values, our beliefs, and our expectations are never identical. Are Core Beliefs Limiting Your Chances For Love?

My husband was relatively carefree and very generous with his money before we were married. Afterwards, he became a workaholic, spending very little time at home, and he stopped doing the fun things we did while dating. He had the belief that as a husband, he was now the breadwinner. He had to prioritize earning a living over everything else. I felt unloved and wasn't as interested in sex anymore and this began a downward spiral. Thankfully, we realized what was happening and negotiated some changes that made a positive difference.

You might wonder why these differences don't usually come up before the wedding. Well, first of all — you weren't married then. Secondly, your values, beliefs, and expectations are so much a part of who you are that you tend to not even question them. In your mind, it's just the way things are. You wouldn't even question that your loved one doesn't feel the exact same way. We wear blinders in this area.

What can you do? I suggest the person reading this article be the one to recognize the problem and take the first step. Don't complain to your spouse about what he or she isn't doing. Get back in touch with the thoughts and feelings you used to have about your spouse while you were dating. Remember the things that attracted you to him or her. Remind yourself to stop looking at what he or she does or doesn't do that makes you crazy and begin instead to turn your focus to gratitude for all their wonderful traits.

Remember the little things that don't take time or money. You can look at your spouse with love and gratitude, or you can look at him/her with anger and frustration. Which would you prefer? A loving look, a quiet touch... these are the things that can rekindle the sparks in your relationship. 7 Suggestions For Saving Your Sinking Relationship

More from YourTango: Marriage Advice for Breadwinner Wives

Each one of us has two sets of lenses with which to view the world. When you choose the critical lenses, you will see all the things that are wrong with your spouse and your relationship. When you wear the appreciation lenses, magic occurs. You see the partner you love and appreciate. Which experience would you rather have? What lenses will you wear today?

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Article contributed by
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Kim Olver


Kim Olver, LCPC, has been featured in Whole Living, Women's World, Fitness Magazine and Counseling Today and is the best-selling, award winning author of Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life.

Connect with Kim by signing up for her FREE InsideOut Relationship Advice Newsletter and receive a FREE recording about our Life Changing Process, InsideOut Empowerment and have access to FREE relationship assessments.

Check out new products that might be for you in my Webstore

Location: Country Club Hills (Chicago), IL
Credentials: LCPC, MS, NCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Empowering Women
Other Articles/News by Kim Olver:

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