Think about relationships – Identify which bits you’re good at and which bits cause you difficulty
I met my ex when I was 18 and we were together for 3 years. I'm now 24 and seeing my ex girlfriend as a friend. We went through a break up 3 years ago, and I have been heartbroken ever since. She got together with someone else and has a baby. Things aren't going well, and she wants us to get back together. I love her and want to be with her, but worry if I could bear it if it ends again. I'm not good at making relationships, but I don't want to be alone.
You had a very close and intimate relationship with your ex and you shared a lot of yourself: your thoughts, feelings and opportunities. You were 21 years old when it ended. You were left feeling abandoned at the time you would have been naturally separating from your parents. Some of the people you had previously relied on to talk to were no longer the people you sought advice from, so it was hard for you to explore your feelings. You say you're not good with relationships, what do you mean by that? And who has told you this and what evidence have you got? I can guarantee if you walk around saying you're not good at something that is what you'll get!
Think about relationships for a minute. Identify which bits you're good at and which bits cause you difficulty (relationships are often difficult so you're not alone feeling like this). Now you've identified where your strengths are you can build on these and focus on your positives. Your weaknesses also need to be tackled, what can you do about them? Are there certain types of relationships that cause you a problem? Identify these so you can be very specific about your concerns. Now think about who could help you. A relationship coach or counselor would be able to work with you to help you to explore the issues and develop new skills and expertise so your relationships are improved and you can enjoy them. I would be very happy to work with you.
My feeling is that this work needs to be done before you contemplate a new relationship with your ex. It's easy when we have had a good relationship and others haven't been so successful to believe that this one would be good again. Of course neither of us know if this would be true, but what we do know is it ended, and therefore there were issues that still need to be resolved. You are clear you wouldn't want to go through that pain again. You also raise an important point being that she is in still a relationship with the father of her child, and even though she is seeing you and things aren't great, she is still there. It doesn't sound she is ready to start a committed relationship. If you can maintain a friendship and it isn't tearing you into two then by all means continue. If however, it is causing you distress, perhaps you'd be wise to wait until she is clear where her future is going and only when she is single again rekindle any relationship.
You are only 24 so you do have many years ahead of you to build a fabulous relationship where you feel secure and confident in it growing and developing in just the way you want.
For More On Break Ups From YourTango:
- How To (Finally) Get Over Your Breakup And Move On
- Help! My Last Breakup Scarred Me For Life
- How To Get Over A Bad Breakup