Boomer men can continue to enjoy terrific sex if they can connect their hearts with their manhood.
Honestly, It Is
At sixty-nine, I'm having the best sex ever. Yeah, I know this sounds like hyperbole, but it isn't, and I'll share why it's true for me, and for a fair number of other boomer men. I've always enjoyed sex, and as I got older I began to notice that I could make love for as long as I wanted without ejaculating, which is actually a Tantric teaching, but a lesson other boomer men and I have learned organically.
In fact, boomer men can also have multiple orgasms without ejaculating, another Tantric practice that extends sexual play and that boomer men can savor with little effort. Absent ejaculating, a man can make love for pretty much as long as he wants. These are a few of the positive aspects of boomer sex for men. But there's a caveat in my claim about having the best sex ever at sixty-nine. C'mon guys, you knew it wasn't going to be that easy, didn't you?
The Heart/Manhood Connection
I've been writing about boomer sex, dating, and relationships as a Dating Expert for The Huffington Post, AARP, Maria Shriver, About.com, and most recently YourTango, for a decade, and the nearly 150 articles I've written have garnered tens of thousands of comments from boomer men and women.
There appear to be a myriad of indisputable truths about boomer sex, and I've incorporated them in my new book, The Boomer Guide to Finding True Love Online. One factor in particular should be on every boomer guy's radar screen. What I know with absolute certainty is that boomer men who ignore the heart/manhood connection are putting the continued quality of their sex lives at risk.
What Once Was, Isn't
Young men require virtually no stimulation in order to become aroused. I still remember standing in front of my 7th grade class with an involuntary erection I tried unsuccessfully to cover with a book report, and that even the jeers of thirty boys and girls couldn't wilt. But the ease of arousal tapers off gradually, and by sixty erections are rarely autonomic. But a man who learns how to connect his heart with his manhood adds decades of sexual potency to his life that even ED meds can't rival. Don't misunderstand, I'm cool with ED meds, but they're Band-Aids for emotionally centered sexual issues, not the solution.
Don't Leave Yet
Stay with me guys, because this isn't pie in the sky. When I hit sixty I noticed my ability to maintain an erection began to falter. I thought there might be an expiration date on my sexuality until I learned differently.
Never Too Late To Learn
And here's the hard part guys no pun intended. Too many boomer men skipped doing any sort of personal growth work even though the topic and solutions for emotional issues have been ubiquitous for decades. Consequently, many never learned to open their hearts to a woman, or anyone for that matter.
I'd spent most of my life engaging in casual sex, which typically lacked trust or an emotional component, but as I grew older my body no longer supported casual sex at the level it had a decade before. It's the heart/manhood connection that has kept me sexually active and fit. Falling in love isn't the same as falling in lust, which is brief and sexually unsustainable. Falling in love means investing your heart, a scary proposition for some men, but a necessity for continued great sex nonetheless.
Catch A Wave
Whether you're a boomer in a long-term relationship or a new relationship, you can either learn how to connect your heart with your manhood or suffer the probable consequences: waning sexuality. But to master this connection a boomer guy has to be able to genuinely feel the love for a woman in his heart, and this applies to men in all relationships, long-term or new.
My partner and I have been together for a few years now, and every so often I catch a wave, which means I fall deeper in love with her in that moment, usually because she said or did something particularly heartfelt and endearing. Our relationship moves up a notch in terms of emotional intimacy with each wave caught. She also experiences her version of catching a wave, and hers are also related to something I said or did that touched her heart. I've caught half a dozen waves since we became partners, and our relationship has improved sexually with each wave. Passion is a powerful aphrodisiac.
The Hard Part
But this deepened sense of intimacy doesn't occur automatically simply because you tell a woman you love her. As we defiantly insisted in my old neighborhood, "talk is cheap." The only way to actually deepen the emotional intimacy with an existing or a new partner is to have ongoing dialogue about your feelings for each other and the relationship.
This is the point when some boomer men insist that only wimpy guys talk about their feelings, which is an egregious lie that keeps men isolated from their feeling and their partners. Sadly this sentiment comes from other men, and is generally related to fear of intimacy. If this dialogue seems like a sticking point for you, keep in mind that maintaining your sex life is at stake, so no matter how difficult or embarrassing, the emotional intimacy conversation goes hand in hand with the heart/manhood connection.
I promise that the overwhelming majority of boomer women will respond positively and gratefully to this dialogue. Are women more capable of having this emotional dialogue? No, but they are more practiced at speaking from their hearts, but men can catch up quickly.
True Best Friends
In truth, I learned how to talk about my feelings with help from male friends I've known for a quarter century who figured out this sexual connection before they experienced sexual issues. When I began to discuss a woman with whom I was in a relationship and I started talking about her in terms of what I thought about her, they immediately reminded me they only wanted to know what I felt about her.
It took some practice to be able to make the, I think versus the, I feel distinction readily, but once I could, my relationships with women improved exponentially, and my sexual energy did a 180. No hyperbole, no empty promises, just the truth for me and for many other boomer men who have made this leap of faith with a woman.
My partner and I make love frequently, and we've given up the piston pounding, style of making love in exchange for what we think of as a "slow waltz", which at sixty-five she enjoys more, and also feels better to me. And there's something else that keeps me hard while making love, and that's hearing my partner tell me she loves me while we look into each other's eyes, because that's where her love for me is actually visible. Maintaining eye contact during sex is amazingly hot.
Boomer guys who don't make a distinction between getting laid and making love still have time to figure out the difference, but absent knowing the difference on an emotional level, sex will prematurely become something you used to enjoy, instead of something you can fully enjoy for decades to come. When a sixty-something guy tells me he's lost interest in sex, I know that more than likely he never learned to connect his heart with his manhood, because sex isn't something an emotionally and physically healthy man ever loses interest in.
Whatever a boomer guy's personal demons are around emotional intimacy, now is a good time to face those demons, which I suggest are best confronted with help from other men, because men are most able to help each other heal the old wounds that created those demons. Trust is one of the most common culprits that keep men from opening their hearts, but trust is an absolute for making the heart/manhood connection and great sex. So trust is the first demon many boomer men need to confront to make this connection. Trust demons can stem from abusive boyhoods, a relationship betrayal, or a myriad of other factors. Facing your emotional intimacy trust demons is the only way to prevent them from continuing to interfere with the quality of your life.
I include myself when I say that nearly every man who has ever had his heart broken by a parent, lover, friend, or anyone who ever got close enough to inflict emotional damage, struggles with trust demons that keep him from connecting his heart with anything or anyone, including his manhood. Learning how to face and defeat those demons isn't just the best way forward it's the only way forward. Granted, trust may feel like a major risk, and of course there's always the chance that it might backfire, but an even more certain bet, in the words of my mentor, where there's no trust there's no love. We're boomers and we changed the social, sexual, political landscapes of an entire nation, so how difficult should it be to adopt a new attitude around trust, especially since it's connected with our sexuality?
No article about boomer sex can ignore that statistically boomers now enjoy the dubious distinction of having the highest STD rate in America. Maybe it's because boomers seldom used condoms in the 60s and 70s and we just never got comfortable using them, or perhaps we're simply starry-eyed optimists, but whatever the reason, we can't afford to be stupid. Safe sex isn't an option for boomers it's mandatory. A couple can either wait until both partners have been tested before becoming sexual, or they can use condoms. There's no wiggle room or middle ground here, and taking someone's word for their sexual history is literally putting your life in his or her hands. In the words of Bette Midler, "A fuck ain't worth dying for," which while crudely put is totally accurate.
Boomer women's sexuality is the topic of my next article.