Finding True Confidence In Yourself (For Men)


There isn't a trick, technique, or formula. So stop searching and finally learn how to be confident.

Q. I'm curious to hear your thoughts. For a man, what makes or allows him to be confident, especially as a lover/partner?

A. Great question. Here's how I went from zero confidence with women to a great relationship, a fantastic sex life, and a career training other men:

  • I did things I feel good about. That boosted my sense of self-worth or self-esteem. Whether it was bravely facing an uncomfortable conversation, or accomplishing a difficult task, or "doing the right thing" even when I'd much rather take an easier route .... these things gradually had me come to like myself and think of myself as a good, worthy and capable person.

  • I began to trust my intuition, my gut feelings, and my ability to sense others. Sometimes I took risky chances, following an inkling that wasn't exactly by-the-books. Sometimes I was wrong, but I was right often enough to start to believe my own personal wisdom. And of course every mistake taught me something and made my intuition more accurate. Over time I became a skillful instigator, an initiator, a leader in the dance, not just an obedient follower or willing participant.

  • I learned how to forgive myself. I noticed where I was being overly hard on myself with regrets and comparisons that served no useful purpose and were harmful to my psychic well being.

  • There were times when my ego took a major pounding, and I began to let go of it. Without a fragile ego to protect, I suddenly found a new freedom—to be vulnerable, to let someone else win an argument, to stop worrying about looking good, to be wrong about something, to apologize, to receive feedback, to recognize that someone else is better at something, etc. Where my ego had been threatened by these situations, my confident self wasn’t.

  • I got to the bedrock of why I put soooo much weight into women's approval of me. I came to see how my upbringing, my teen and adult years led me to place so much credence over there rather than over here. I began to shed my needy approval-seeking tendencies, performance anxiety, my attempts to impress rather than be authentic, etc. and I could just relax and enjoy. This made me a lot more fun for women to interact with. It brought about other changes as well. I stopped the habit of giving-giving-giving while being a doormat. I also stopped depending on women to bestow my rightness; I showed up with my own rightness, which women found attractive.

  • I ended the search for a formula, algorithm or technique that would tell me what to do. I started to see that everything I needed to know was right there in the actual moment of interacting with someone, and that all of my attention should be there, not wasted mentally sifting through matching templates or similar situations. I came to see that the worst thing I could do was drag my success with someone else, or my success yesterday, or my success 5 minutes ago, or some other guy's success story, into the current moment with all of its nuances and complexity and uniqueness. Everything I need to know is right here, right now, with this person.

Those are the biggest contributing factors on my road to confidence as a lover and as a man.



Explore YourTango