Does seeing someone else ignore red flags trigger memories of our own mistakes?
Managing my energy and balancing my emotions to stay upbeat and focused on what I want is my daily M.O. and I'm good at it and I coach women to do the same with great success. So, why was I so enraged watching The Bachelor Finale and After The Final Rose last night? I just couldn't seem to let it go.
First of all, let me explain why I watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I find it fascinating how people portray themselves coming onto the show and how they evolve into very different people once they begin interacting with each other. It's a character study for me. Survivor and The Amazing Race are the others where stress is very revealing.
Back to The Bachelor. Juan Pablo has seemed even more superficial, patronizing and pacifying as of late with his, "It’'s okay," and spewing the line everyone wants to hear, "It's going to be okay," not because it was true but because it would comfort (shut up) a woman very quickly. That was irritating but not the reason for my feelings last night. It had to do with him actually ending up with someone.
The fact that he didn't click with any of the women enough to propose wasn't my issue since I don't think anyone should take that decision lightly. It was more his flippant arrogance and use of excuses like, "English is my second language," "I’m just being honest," (hello Simon Cowell who used the same lousy excuse to be overly vicious and cruel), and "I have to think of my daughter," to get out of anything resembling real feelings. Was his intention for being on the show simply to expand his ego or get an acting job? He would need more depth to be an actor so that's probably not it.
I know it's reality TV and editing has everything to do with what we end up seeing and how someone is portrayed; but you can't edit a live conversation. If arrogance (low self-esteem) was removed from Juan Pablo, would there be anything left of him? Hypothetical question: If someone is one-dimensional and that dimension is removed, do they still exist?
Moreover, kudos to Clare for standing up for herself on national TV and being a role model for the line, "I love you but I love myself more," that Samantha Jones used in Sex And The City. We saw Clare fall in love and go after what she wanted. We also saw her struggle with her intuition (which is always right, by the way and should be followed without doubt) and we cringed when she was again pacified by the master manipulator whose family couldn't even recommend him as healthy husband material. But in the end, Clare did her thing—for herself and more power to her!
Furthermore, I'm wracking my brain to figure out why Nikki accepting a pittance when she deserved the kingdom bugged me so. Women do it all the time. Is it because I did the same thing before I realized my self-worth and hate to see someone else going through it? Is it that women are so programmed to find a man to be complete that even intelligent, successful women like Nikki ignore the red flags everyone sees?
Granted, if she is truly in love with Juan Pablo, it is part of her journey and who knows if it will work out. But what do you think about the fact that as it played out for all of us to see, Chris Harrison, the live audience, The Bachelor Alum and all of us at home saw the blazing red flags, cheered Clare on when she spoke her mind whether we'd liked her or not and were outraged by Nikki accepting the final rose? How many times do we miss or ignore red flags in our own lives? Is this simply a reminder pulling up those past hurts?
Having experienced my own self-worth challenges as a young woman and accepting the virtual final rose from an abusive narcissist more than once, I'm now strong and confident and coach other women to achieve the same. Was this episode simply a flashback to the pain that may also await Nikki? Was it that she seemed to know better but stuck with it just to stick with it? (Yep, done that before too.)
We're programmed not to give up. But giving in when something no longer serves you is smart and speaks volumes about your self-respect. This episode was like no other for me and I've watched every episode (sometimes more than once) of 18 seasons of The Bachelor and nine seasons of The Bachelorette. I don't ever recall the visceral feeling I had last night.
It needs to be okay (with women) for us to be successful and happy on our own and attract a man we truly love where feelings are reciprocal. We don't ever need to accept a pittance when we deserve the kingdom. That is low self-esteem talking and in my opinion, the reason most women never get what they want.
We don't get to know ourselves well enough to know what we are truly passionate about. Yes, we want love, maybe children and a fulfilling life but part of that is the basic human psychological need to feel connected and significant. I don't see that Nikki is considered either by Juan Pablo and even if she is, will he tell her or is that too private also?
And another thing, how isolating would it be to enter a family where a man and his beloved daughter speak to one another in a language you don't even understand? It's like a secret society and you are not invited. How can that possibly be part of a healthy relationship? Should one of his requirements have been a woman who speaks Spanish or should he and Camila speak English so Nikki can understand?
So, as I contemplate what my reaction to last night's show is triggering in me so strongly that I had to get it off my chest before starting my day, I see a picture in my mind of the camaraderie in women this Final Rose episode has inspired. I truly think that when dating includes feelings of being patronized or signs of narcissism, a Bachelor fan just may say, "Juan Pablo," and we'll all understand.
Kelly Rudolph is a Certified Life Coach, Hypnotherapist and Founder of www.PositiveWomenRock.com. Are you tired of stress, lack of confidence and fear about your future? Kelly can help. Begin getting her free Life Strategies now.
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