How Dependency Can Ruin Your Relationship

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How Dependency Can Ruin Your Relationship
Sometimes in dating we can't get out our own way until we look at someone else's story.

I picked up this fascinating book called AttachedThe New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find and Keep Love, and they had an interesting dating scenario that I figured I would share with you.

A few years ago, our close friend Tamara started dating someone new:

I first noticed Greg at a cocktail party at a friend's house. He was unbelievably good-looking, and I found the fact that I caught his eye very flattering. A few days later we went our for dinner with some other people, and I couldn't resist the glimmer of excitement in his eyes when he looked at me.

But what I found most enticing were his words and an implicit promise of togetherness that he conveyed. The promise of not being alone. He said things like, "Tamara, you don't have to be home all by yourself, you can come and work over at my place," "You can call me any time you like." There was comfort in these statements: The comfort of belonging to someone, of not being alone in the world.

If I'd only listened carefully, I could have easily heard another message that was incongruent with this promise, a message that made it clear that Greg feared getting too close and was uncomfortable with the commitment

Several times he'd mentioned that he'd never had a stable relationship—that for some reason always grew tired of his girlfriends and felt the need to move on. As we got closer, his messages got more erratic and everthing started to fall apart; he began telling me that he was too busy to meet on this night or that.

Sometimes he'd claim that his entire work week looked "crazy" and would ask if we could just meet on the weekend. I'd agree, but inside I had a sinking feeling something was wrong, but what?

After a while, the ups and downs started to take a toll and I could no longer control my emotions. I didn't know how to act, and despite my better judgement, I'd avoid making plans with friends in case he called.

I completley lost interest in everything else that was important to me. Before long the relationship couldn't withstand the strain and everything soon came to a screeching halt.

One of the reasons dating can be so challenging is because of scenarios just like this. One person becomes attached before the other partner catches up emotionally.

Over the course of a few posts, I will be helping singles understand their attachment style and how they can use it to their advantage to find the mate of their dreams.

What do you think of her behavior? Is there something she could have done differently in order to receive a different result? What about him? Was he being true to himself, or was he just playing her?

More advice on relationships on YourTango:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Keith Dent

Relationship Coach

Coach Keith

The "Coach" for all things relationships!

Location: West Orange, NJ
Credentials: CLC, MS
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