When your partner feels betrayed, consistent acts toward your marriage can get you back on track.
When the San Antonio Spurs lost Game 6 and ultimately Game 7 of the NBA Finals last year, the pain they suffered was similar how you would feel if you found out your partner had betrayed you in the relationship. A New York Times article described the pain as excruciating, so much so that you could see the brokenness of the teams faces as they watched the Miami Heat celebrate their second championship in a row.
What we fail to acknowledge in relationships, but was appropriately stated in the article is that suffering can be good. It reinforces character, resolve and commitment. Experienced in public, it exposes vulnerability. Handled with class, it heightens likability.
There is nothing more painful to a marriage than when your partner betrays your trust, your love, and your commitment. If divorce isn’t an option and you are prepared to take the difficult journey to restoring your marriage, these 5 techniques will help you do just that:
1. You have to commit to a core mission. The Spurs displayed their motto in their locker room. “When nothing seems to help,” it reads, “I go back and look at the stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it — but all that had gone before.” Many couples gain a sense of who they are from the opinions and perceptions of those around them. As a result, couples can end up allowing circumstances, of the betrayal to shape who they are and what they accomplish. The most effective couples, however, fashion their own future. A mission statement is a powerful document that expresses your family’s sense of purpose and meaning in life; it acts as a governing constitution by which your family evaluates decisions and chooses behaviors.
2. Take on the character of selflessness. Back in 2013, Tim Duncan, 36 was ready to sign what probably would be his last contract. Instead of taking what was deservedly his, he reduced his salary in half. Usually infidelity occurs when someone's needs aren’t being met and instead worrying about their parnters needs they are only concerned about their own. In relationships, it may seem difficult to put your needs aside and focus entirely on your spouse’s, especially when the trust has been broken. But that trust and commitment is what will strengthen your relationship and allow you to feel and express love. This idea works best if both spouses are working to serve each other equally.
3. Make adjustments when necessary. As a player that was cast aside by his previous team, Boris Diaw, who was inserted in the starting lineup after a loss in Game 2, helped lead the way to three straight wins by the Spurs. In a marriage, if there are obstacles in that lead to negative results, you must make adjustments in order to succeed. If you and your spouse are going to be a good team in marriage, you’re both going to have to make multiple adjustments over the life of the marriage.
4. Create a culture of consistency. Since Tim Duncan was drafted in 1997, the San Antonio Spurs have made the playoffs every year. Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, states, “It doesn’t take hard work to keep a relationship happy or stable over time,” just small simple changes can create a marriage of consistency.
5. A strong healthy relationship can be boring sometimes. When you take care of the first four strategies and do them consistently like the San Antonio Spurs have done, your relationship at times may seem somewhat mundane an uneventful. If you add arousal-producing activities from time-to-time, like winning a championship and you do that activity with your partner, ultimately in the end you will be winners.