It's the relationship that may be holding you back in love
This past week was my mom and my father in law’s birthdays and Hemal’s (my husband for those that are new) is on Sunday, so it is definitely a week of celebration for me!
On my mom’s birthday, I posted the following on Facebook:
“Today is my Mom's birthday! She is an amazingly dedicated, loyal, beautiful, compassionate woman. And an amazing singer. I still have songs that she sang when I was younger branded in my head. I am so honored to have her as my Mom.
My soul knew who I was meant to be born to in order for me to live my purpose. There is a reason for everything. Vina Jhaveri happy birthday. Love you Mom!”
Today’s post is an ode to my mother, the woman who lovingly carried me for 9 months, birthed me, and did everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in her power to ensure my safety, health, education, and overall happiness. She had a heavy hand in who I have become in my life and me standing in my purpose today. The other heavy hand of course is my dad. I will say that this level of appreciation and love that I have for my mom now wasn’t there less than 3 years ago. In fact there was a constant resentment I had towards her for being the kind of woman that she was.
When I was growing up my mom took us on yoga retreats, helped us with our homework (dad handled the math), and made sure we were raised cultured in our tradition and religion. Like most families, my dad was the provider, always busy financially taking care of us. My mom took my brother and I on several trips to India, just the 3 of us. That, may I add, was not easy! Why did she do all of this? She wanted to ensure we were raised and loved in ways she was never, thank god for that.
Then I hit my teenage years, where I thought I was cooler and smarter than my mom. I distinctly remember one moment when some friends were over and my mom came into my bedroom to ask us something, and I, in a very short arrogant way, replied, “No mom, just go away!” She asked me to step out of the room and I immediately knew I was showing off and the guilt hit. My mom nicely said, “You don’t talk to me like that; I am your mother” and she was right. Yet that feeling of “I know more than my mom” didn’t really go away.
We then continued into my high school and college years, where in my mind my mom lacked confidence, would fly off the handle emotionally and was never happy. I would be annoyed when I would call her with something important or with how I was upset about something, and she would reply with, “I know I had to go through the same thing…” I would suddenly feel like it was all about her and her life, and I had to handle her versus her helping me with what was happening in my world. I would either get frustrated and shut down or I would let her tell her story and just grin and bear it.
I constantly felt like I had to help her, save her, make her happy, and I could barely do that for myself. So MUCH PRESSURE! I resented her for making me feel this way. I also tried all kinds of techniques to have our relationship feel different to take the pressure off: ignore her, call her out, get angry, stay silent, but nothing took away the pressure I felt from her.
Until one fine day, I told her my truth.
I said, “Mom I feel like I have to make you happy, say the right things, and feel responsible for you being okay so the family is okay.” That was one of the scariest reveals I had made up until that point. She was surprised and told me that she had no idea I felt that way and that she didn’t want me to feel that pressure. “I am your mom,” she said, “And I go through things and get out of them, but you don’t have to take that on.”
My mind was reeling. You mean all these years I had been feeling like this for nothing? WHAT?!
That conversation was followed by so much relief that I realized there had been so much energy (unbeknownst to me) that I was carrying. I cried and cried. How could I have been so wrong for so many years? In the same breath, thank god I was because I would rather have it be like this!
That is when the way I saw my mom permanently shifted. That is when I started to understand her for the HUMAN being that she is. I have realized that I am exactly like her (something I resisted for a long time). I became curious about how she was raised, what has impacted her the most in her life and what relationships have shaped her life. I learned a lot about her, and I can now with every cell in my being say to you that if I had the life that my mom had, I would be exactly like her. Exactly.
With that thought came so much freedom in my life, freedom because I stopped resisting the women who birthed and nurtured me- the woman I am so much like. By understanding her I had access to understanding myself more, and now our relationship is open, light, and compassionate. Of course we sill get into small tiffs, and within seconds understand one another, and I don’t reel in my head the way I used to. That is priceless.
So my question to you for this week’s Lovework is, how do you perceive your mom? In what ways are you hurt by her? How do you feel pressured by her? What is your truth about why you took on that pressure? I promise you that she never wanted you to do that. When are you going to lovingly tell her your truth? Tell me how you feel about your mom in the COMMENTS below!