I freaking love the summer in BikersNYC! When most people are leaving for the beaches, I love hanging in a city that is quieter than normal, having dinner outside with a bunch of girlfriends. They even block off an entire avenue to accommodate bike riders, walkers and runners. It is such a sight to see. No cars just people.
This week I am answering a juicy question I received from a client of mine. Are you the kind of woman that is trying to show up as if you have it all together? Well, if you are then you may be driving men away unknowingly. This is the case with my client, Katie. This week Katie came to me saying that one of her friends casually mentioned that she thinks that because Katie always has to look like she has it together that it can be intimidating for women, let alone men to approach her.
More from YourTango: Just got back and feeling good
So, she asked me, "Is this true about me? And is this the reason that the last guy I dated disappeared, even though it felt like we had a great time together?"
I said, "Yes. It is a part of it."
Katie, before asking this question, had just told me about a first date she had been on the other day. I used that as an example for her to see how she was really coming across.
On her date, which lasted three hours, (Great start, right?) there was a moment where he started to talk about something that Katie didn't know a ton about. It was related to buying land and real estate. In response to him saying this, she replied with, "I have always wanted to understand more about buying land and I have researched it a bit. It is pretty complicated." That is where she ended it.
I asked her, "Are you truly interested in it?" She said, "Yes, but I don't know a whole lot about it." I said, "Right, so why didn't you ask him more about it as a way to learn from him?"
She replied with, "I didn't want to look stupid or embarrass myself."
I said, "I totally get it, but because of that thought, you are creating the impression that you have it all together and that you don't need anyone. So, the man feels there is no way for him to contribute or give to you, which makes men feel like they aren't needed and then they lose interest."
Katie said, "I sort of get it, but what should I have done then?"
I said, "In that moment when he was talking about real estate and land, simply say, I don't know a whole lot about that and it sounds super interesting. Tell me more? That makes a man feel good. He then energetically can feel there is room in your life for him. However, you want to do this authentically. The way to do that is to look out for the conversations where he knows what he is talking about and the conversations that are intriguing to you. Then ask for more information, guidance, or insight. This makes it fun for him and fun for you because you are interested in hearing more about the topic."
Katie totally got it.
I then said, "There is a reason why you don't want to feel stupid or embarrassed and that trigger is what is stopping you from naturally engaging with men in this way."
So, I asked my infamous question, "Who does that come from, you mom or dad?"
She said very quickly, "Mom! She always made me feel like I didn't know what I was doing."
So, her lovework, along with asking for insight on topics she didn't know a whole lot about on her next date, was to get to the root and talk to her mom and ask her, "Do you think I don't know what I am doing or that I am stupid?" This is of course a hard question for Katie to ask because emotionally she would be crushed if her mom said yes and the reality is that her mom wasn't going to say yes to that.
Katie asked her mom and of course her mom said, "No, I think you absolutely are smart. I just worry about you, so I need to make sure you know what you are doing." This sunk in and something released for Katie.
Your lovework this week: Ask yourself, why do you feel you need to constantly look smart or know what you are doing or look pulled together? Who does that come from? Your mom or your dad? And have the appropriate conversations.
Also, on your next date use the line, "I don't know a whole lot about that and that is super interesting. Tell me more." It will feel good for you and him and keep him interested.
Tell me about ways you engage men on the first couple of dates to keep his interest. The convo is happening down below!
More from YourTango: Words for you from a Jain monk
More dating advice from YourTango: