Wanting something for someone else more than they want it is dangerous territory. Find the solution.
I am the worst offender when it comes to the following issue.
It can literally break up any kind of relationship. It can harm
the relationship you have with your man, mother, father, sibling,
A couple of weeks back, my husband (Hemal) and I had a squabble.
This is how it went down…
Hemal came home from a final round interview for a new job
position that he has been scoping out and wanting for a while.
I asked him how it went.
He said, “It went GREAT! I was prepping all day and knew my
stuff inside an out. I was ready to sell myself in the interview, and
in the first 10 minutes they offered me a job to be the head of North
America.” (I know sounds ‘smancy’!)
I was genuinely super duper happy for him and for us. But ... (you
knew the ‘but’ was coming, right?)
Hemal is literally one of the smartest people I know. When he
walks into a room he has a presence. He doesn’t speak until he knows
what he is talking about, and I feel like he doesn’t own that enough.
The operative word here is I. This is where the squabble comes in.
I say to him, “That is awesome!” But in the back of my mind I am
thinking, “Why did he spend so much time trying to sell them? At
his level he needs to be interviewing them, just as much as he is
being interviewed.” Then I got consumed by that thought. I
couldn’t be as happy as he really wanted me to be.
He was ecstatic because this position was almost everything he was
looking for in a position. Then, of course, I had to go and say it:
“I knew you would get it. You didn’t have to prep all day. You could’ve
interviewed them.” Basically I crapped all over his happiness. He was
mad after I said that.
He goes, “Can’t you just be happy?”
I was stunned by his reaction, but also knew I caused it. I realized
I broke the cardinal rule that Hemal and I abide by: Don’t want
something for someone else more than they want it for themselves.
In that moment, I wanted Hemal to understand that he is worth more
than he gives himself credit for. It was a great thought, however we all
have this. What human being doesn’t under estimate their ability?
By me wanting him to get that point it ruined the entire moment for him.
He just wanted me to be happy with him about this ahhh-mazing news.
Wanting something for someone else more than they want it for
themselves is dangerous territory; it can cause a break in connection.
When one person is feeling one way and you try to push them into
feeling another way, even if it is with the best of intentions, it is
only going to leave you feeling frustrated and them feeling like you
don’t get them.
When they are ready to feel what you know they are capable of, they
will ask you a question or solicit your opinion. Until then, especially
with the closest people in your life, it is not helpful to want something
more for someone else than they want it for themselves.
This week’s Lovework is:
Take an assessment of your relationships, and some of your frustrations
with them. Is it because you want something more for someone than
they want it for themselves?
If so, then it is time to create an intention that you know they are already
living in a way that will get them to the solutions you desire for them.
For example, I want my brother to succeed in business. He says to me,
“I am not succeeding,” and I see it. I am not helping him by just
spouting out advice and telling him how he can succeed. Helping him
involves whole heartedly believing he is already successful; that he is
smart enough to figure out his path.
This is a real example. When I did this with my younger brother our
entire relationships changed. Do this exercise. It will give you space to
stop taking on everyone’s stuff. Know that they can handle themselves
just like you do.
How have you experiened wanting someone to be different, and what
happened because of that want? Please leave your comments HERE: