When my husband of two years said to me “I don’t know if
I can do this anymore,” I reacted like most- I groveled. I said
I would change. Things would be different. I wouldn’t nag him
so much, require so much, ask as much. I would keep it
together all the time. I would do the things he wanted.
The best part of all of this graveling was that he did not
believe me AT ALL. Honestly, hours later I too knew
that I didn’t mean anything I had said because it was all
driven from desperation- desperate to keep what I had
with my husband. Yet, what I was creating was anything
but a healthy, happy relationship. I was just trying to dig
myself out of a hole, but to my surprise, it was actually
keeping us stuck in the hole.
I was devastated. Why was he so unhappy? What did
I do wrong? How could I make it better? I was at a
I realized that not only was he unhappy, but for the first
time in two years I admitted that I wasn’t happy as well.
This was the greatest admittance I could have made. Without
it, I would have stayed in denial about how I really felt. I
would have kept coming at my relationship from a space of
“I need to make it work,” and “I need to change him” in order
for the relationship to continue.
The problem with thinking I had to change him
was the fact that I couldn’t! It was an incredibly powerless
place to be. I knew that something needed to change, and
thought our relationship would be more loving and understanding
if HE changed.
It is incredible how a tweak in perception can change everything.
I literally mean EVERYTHING. Once I admitted that I wasn’t
happy either I began to see that it wasn’t just in my relationship,
but in my life. I was so focused on having him be different that I
had little room to have any focus on myself, further disconnecting
me from my life.
I had forgotten what I loved, what I wanted, and what made me
happy. I had hoped that once he changed I would have access or
permission to fully live my life. What a crock of shit.
Living and thinking this way was holding me back from really
having what I desired in my relationship. So, I shifted my
perspective, and I was able to access EVERYTHING.
One major way I tapped into feeling more powerful in my
relationship was to stop seeing my husband as…
A wounded bird:
Someone that needs guidance to live a more fulfilling life.
Someone who is emotionally stunted.
Someone that doesn’t quite get the things that I get
culturally and spiritually.
A very self-sufficient human being:
Someone that is fully capable.
Someone that is extremely intelligent.
Someone that is emotional, who loves and supports
me in every way he knows how.