The answer might surprise you.
Kristen has been single for over a year. Her best friend, Laurel, always has a boyfriend. A few months ago, Kristen watched Laurel break up with her latest beau, only to find a new one within a month. Meanwhile, Kristen remains single without a prospect in sight.
"What does she have that I don't have?" Kristen lamented. "It's not fair. Why not me? Is there something wrong with me?"
I hear a version of this question frequently. Many people have a friend who just seems to be effortlessly lucky in love. It's frustrating to watch them when you're in a "dating desert" — not a single interesting person is in sight. Kristen's dilemma poses a great question: Why is it easy for some people to find love, while for others, it seems like the Impossible Dream?
Laurel does have something that Kristen doesn't, but it's not what she fears. There's nothing wrong with her — or with you if you're in the same boat. Kristen is not less attractive or less sexy. No, it's something else. And just to reassure her — and you — it's not a competition, but if it were, Kristen doesn't "lose". What Laurel has that Kristen doesn't is the following:
- A good template for having a boyfriend. Laurel's used to the ins and outs of relationships, so it's easier to manifest love yet again. Once someone who has never had a long-term relationship gets their first boyfriend or girlfriend, the next one comes much more easily. And it's interesting to note how many people have what I call an "opener" — a romance that fizzles or is not quite right — just before they finally meet The One. It's like the warm-up or a practice run before the real deal comes along. Again, they've laid down a template for love. Then, it's much easier to be open and in the relationship groove.
- The other thing that Laurel has is the faith that she deserves love and that someone out there will be right for her; that she's lovable. This is part of her experience, so it's much easier for her to attract another relationship the minute the last one ends.
If you lack the above, then it's probably interfering with your ability to find love. But the good news is that there are ways to develop the qualities and tools Laurel has to make finding love a breeze.
- First and foremost, drop the attitude that there's something "wrong" with you. Or that you're "less than": less sexy, less attractive or less lovable. Instead, foster the belief that the right one won't be able to see past you. For this person, you're it, and (s)he will never even notice your flirty friend. This kind of faith — in yourself and in the fact that there's a love for you — is a powerful attractant for romance.
- Remind yourself that you may pass your friends who got love before you. Their "perfect relationship" may bust up, while because you waited, you get the best relationship of all — and get to be happiest because you'll never take it for granted.
- Go ahead and develop a template for love. It'll help you manifest. You don't necessarily need to go have a fling with someone, but hang out with potentials and learn how it feels.
- Instead of wasting time being jealous, use those around you to help create your template. Look at the happy relationships that in the past you may envied and "shop" for the qualities in them that you'd like to have in your own romance.
Here's an example to get you inspired: Callie's friend married a man who traveled a lot for work. They were always jetting off to exotic locales and created a home full of reminders of their travels. She decided she wanted an exciting relationship like that, and added it to the list of qualities she wanted in a relationship. She also put the stability she saw in another friend's relationship in her "shopping cart", along with the open affection her cousin had with his wife. After six months of honing in on what she wanted in a relationship, she met Chris, a Relocation Specialist who often visits international cities. They're now engaged, and he's all she wanted, including a very touchy feely sort with an unwavering devotion to her.
Remember Kristen, who feared she was left out of love as she watched her friend Lauren manifest boyfriends? Now she has every hope for love, as should you. All it will take is a few tweaks to get you in the right frame of mind to find a beautiful love worth celebrating.
More advice on how to get a boyfriend from YourTango:
- What To Do If Your Boyfriend Says He 'Needs Space'
- Dating: Tips & Expert Advice
- Boyfriend Hunt: How To Use Technology To Find Real Love