"THAT DOESN'T W0RK FOR ME."
I spend most of my time working with clients to focus on the positive in their lives and relationships. We uncover limited beliefs and create new empowering ones. We discover values they didn't know they had and then we cook up a vision for their life that begins to unfold like magic.
More from YourTango: Summer Savoring
We do all of that and more. After all that wonderfully fulfilling work there comes a moment where I have to break it to them gently.
You are going to have to disappoint people. You are even going to have to piss off a few people, perhaps. You are going to have to face being uncomfortable by letting people know a simple truth.
"That Doesn't Work For Me"
It is one of the single most powerful sentences we can speak when we want to be loving AND true to ourselves.
Though it can be challenging to speak it the first few times, the phrase is so freeing that once the barrier is broken, most folks find the liberation created by using the phrase to be exhilarating, and the words become something they count on forever.
On the surface it may not seem like a positive statement, but neither is it negative. It is not blaming another or making anyone wrong in the least. It is not judging or bossing someone around.
The statement is simply a very clear and loving boundary. Letting another person know about YOU and whatever it is that DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU.
One of my favorite experiences with my clients is to hear what happens next, what happens AFTER they muster up the courage to speak this line. Usually they report on finding a new kind of power inside themselves. The words that trip off their tongue next are usually much more articulate and generous than might be imagined.
"That Doesn't Work For Me"
This is not something to be spoken in anger. It requires a loving intention for ourselves and others. This particular phrase accepts 100% responsibility for our own life. The words that we speak next follow in that vein. Sometimes the words that follow are an explanation of why it doesn't work, other times it is a vulnerable, self-effacing truth about our own peculiar nature.
The other thing that delights me is how often the receiver of this phrase accepts the words as intended. A loving boundary. Not personal to them.
Of course, there are the people who take it personally and well, they don't like it at all. Funny thing is, when that happens, after a moment of awkwardness, the person who has set the loving boundary feels an inner power and knows what to do next.
Whatever the outcome, setting a loving boundary feels darn good and can set you on a path of being true to yourself and honest in your relationships, in ways you have never imagined.
More from YourTango: The Art of Noticing
I encourage you to give it a try and let me know how it goes!
Speaking of that, I have been promising that I am going to start adding comments and questions I have been getting from readers to my summer KATFlash messages. I have decided to put them all in one message each month, so I can give a full picture of the "A-ha moments," the successes and all the good questions you all have!