Of course it’s unrealistic for you or for him to expect him to know all the intricacies of your turn on, but you both have this crazy expectation. So you’re a bit uncomfortable and disappointed that he doesn’t get your body, and so is he. Now you try to teach him, and as much as he wants to learn, he’s guarded. Any surprise he’d somehow forget what you taught him or deliver it daily like a bad habit?
So the question is: How do you navigate this desire you have to teach him to make love to you in the ways that you like, without alienating him as a lover and friend?
There are two rules for how to train a man as your lover and they absolutely must be followed for a positive and fulfilling result. First, you want to spend three or four weeks building a framework of success. What this means is that you that you give him positive feedback about ways that he leads you that work positively for you. These positive comments do not have to be specifically sexual, and in fact, it’s best if at least half of them are not.
When you give positive feedback about ways that he leads you well, he thinks about how those same actions might work in bed. (Remember men are always thinking about sex).
For example, if you like the way he decides where to go for the weekend, or how he surprises you with romantic dates, or how he makes definitive choices about the kids, or how he tells you exactly what he wants for dinner – any way that he is leading and definitively acting masculine you’d reflect that back.
1. “I love it when I’m undecided about what to wear and you tell me “Put on the little black dress.” That actually turns me on.
2. “I love how you notice when I’m stressed out and gallantly take over in the kitchen. It’s so sexy when you’re manly like this.”
3. “I love how I feel with you when I’m unhappy in a restaurant and you start commanding all the waiters to take care of me. It really turns me on when you’re in charge.”
The point here is that you’re building a framework of positive feedback about his leadership. He will feel it as sexual affirmation. You’re letting him know that he can make you happy -- that you like it when he leads, and that you think he leads well.
When you jump in to teach him about pleasure, and this framework of positive feedback isn’t in place, his first thought is that you’re dethroning him as the leader in bed – because he has the expectation that he will lead you in pleasure.
Giving positive feedback will also build good feelings between you, and get you into the very sensual and sexy practice of being feminine (meaning learning how to receive from him and share verbal appreciation of what you receive).
Your next opportunity is to use this same kind of positive feedback for actions of his that are specifically sexual – even if there is currently little pleasure for you in making love to your man. Your opportunity is to find the moments that you do enjoy and share them, either during lovemaking or after.
It’s a good idea to get into the practice of “debriefing” after lovemaking. For example, you’re lying there in bed and you say: “You know what I really liked tonight?
“I liked how you pasted my hands down when you were kissing me. Or, “I liked how you said those sexy things to me when I was about to climax.” Or, “I loved that moment when you were inside of me and you looked deeply into my eyes. That was so fulfilling for me.”
Now, weeks into this when you feel your framework of positive feedback is solid and you’re in the habit of giving him positive feedback, you’re ready to actually teach him how to please you.
Rule number two is: You want to make the teaching all about YOU. Instead of it being about teaching him something, (with him as student and you as teacher) you frame it in a way that is about you showing him what YOU like.
“Would it be ok if I showed you something I really like? I’m uncomfortable with asking, but it really turns me on.”
Or, “I’d love to show you something I’d like to try with you, something that turns me on.”
You want to emphasize how it turns you on -- NOT that it’s about correcting what he does currently. If you feel vulnerable you’re on the right track! You should feel vulnerable because what you share is about your pleasure and your body. Be soft and gentle, and focus on revealing yourself to him. Then when he gets it right tell him. “Yes,.” I love that. Or, “A little softer, a little slower.” Or even better, convey it through sounds of pleasure. Men love to discover how to please you. So if you can affirm this with sound – even better than with words.
Then continue to reinforce your framework of positive feedback. You want a solid sense of sexual trust between you. You’ll know he trusts you (not to hurt or emasculate him) when he is no longer afraid to hear your sexual input, or for you to you guide him as a lover.
Remember, to debrief after sex to keep feeding the positive feedback loop – by sharing something specific that you enjoyed about his touch or his lovemaking. Then he’s certain to welcome your guidance when it arises, and likely to take that guidance to places that will delight and surprise you.