What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

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What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. Women tell me, after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we’re extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or doorbell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is, we say things that we regret later. Plus, the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we’re trying to communicate. It’s a no-win situation no matter how you look at it. And it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Unfortunately, when that happens, he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what you’re trying to say.

There Is a Better Way

One of the things I talk about in Men Made Easy is Feminine Grace. When you learn to use your Feminine Grace, you can be very angry, but in control. That’s when you’re most empowered because you can communicate clearly and actually be heard.

Men respect a woman who keeps it calm, even though she may be very forceful. It’s more effective if you can state your issues with “When you… it makes me feel…” Examples might be: “It makes me feel more connected to you when we go out together,” or “I feel beautiful when we’re out together and I’d like to do more of that,” or “When you said that to your sister, I felt embarrassed and humiliated and it made me feel like you wanted to hurt me. That makes me feel less close to you.”

When you express yourself this way, you aren’t blaming, but stating how his behavior effects you. To take it even further, you can give him examples of times when he’s done it “right” and how it made you feel. He will pay attention and hopefully remember to do it “the good way” next time.

When you find yourself in such an emotional state that you really can’t control yourself, then excuse yourself and let loose when you’re alone. Swear, kick, scream, whatever you need to do feel it completely. Then, when you’re in control once again, you can say what you need to say in a powerful way so you get your point across. The goal is to create more closeness and love, isn’t it? And you do want him to hear you, don’t you? You can control all your conversations if you slow down and think about what you want the other person to understand about your needs. And at the same time, enjoy the feeling of empowerment.

From my heart to yours,
Kara Oh

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