There’s nothing that compares to great sex. It comes with confidence, comfort with our partner and a willingness to be both vulnerable and spontaneous.
But if you think sex should be a certain way, it’s very difficult to have great sex. An idea that will definitely keep you from having enjoyable sex is thinking you aren’t experienced enough. Experience is a good thing, but not essential to enjoying being sexual with someone.
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If your partner is messing up the fun in the bedroom because they’re concerned they aren’t as experienced as you are, here’s an idea. Tell them that you, in a certain way, are just as inexperienced, in that you two are just getting to know each other.
When people care about each other, there’s a pressure to please. When a man is good at ‘performing’ because he’s been with a lot of women, and the next woman is just one more woman to impress, he has no trouble. But the moment he cares, those little insecurities can slip in and even the most confident man can find himself having difficulty either with desire or ability to perform.
In my previous relationship, he always needed me to be in the ‘right space’ emotionally and spiritually for him to become aroused. I tried to tell him that sex could be all over the map. Sometimes raw and nasty, sometimes sweet, sometimes deeply loving, sometimes profoundly spiritual. But for me, the most important thing was to connect sexually, because that’s how I bond.
When I told him I no longer wanted to be a romantic couple, we decided to have a session with our two therapists (mine was recommended by his) where I would give the ring back to him. One of the things I said, in explaining why our relationship was no longer working for me, was what I said above about sex, and finished up with, “Sometimes you just want to have sex.” His therapist sat up and said, “See, Thomas, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” So his therapist had apparently been trying to get him to see my point as well.
When you let go of how it should be, how experienced or knowledgeable you need to be, you can begin to develop a joyful, sensuous, fulfilling sexual relationship.
Great sex needs to be allowed the freedom to unfold in its own way. Sometimes it can be raw and nasty, sometime it’s quick-gotta-have-you-now, sometimes sweet and loving, sometimes passionate and very sensuous. If you have no expectations–even though you might begin with an idea of how it will go–then just allow it to go where it wants to, you’ll have a great physical relationship. That’s when magic happens. Magic NEVER happens when we TRY to make it happen.
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If both of you can let go of expectations and insecurities you’ll develop the perfect sexual relationship to match you both. Make it a child-like exploration of discovery and it will be great. A wonderful way to explore your sexual union is to listen to Boring In Bed together–my program on better sex. Listening together, then talking about–and practicing–what you’re learning, will help break down the walls or barriers that have kept you from relaxing and simply enjoying each other.
From my heart to yours,