Singles have become a huge and lucrative market for savvy marketers. There are a lot of people out there taking advantage of single people looking for love. They see these individuals as desperate, needy, and gullible. They will sell you a lot of baloney on the promise that they can deliver “happily ever after.” They have all the right words, promises, magical solutions, and bonuses galore, all of which depend on you believing a lot of hype and ignoring a lot of truth. I am appalled at what lengths some people will go to sell singles. They prey on your fears and insecurities. They create urgency where there is none. They claim they have expertise when in fact they have little to none. As with so many industries, the levels of mastery and standards have been watered down. I have seen this tragedy in my own field of personal development and mental health.
While the internet has created access to valuable information and resources, it has also created an opportunity for others to claim and create the illusion of excellence where there may be none. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of ethical people out there offering legitimate valuable services and products—but it can be difficult to distinguish the good guys from the bad. So in pursuit of honoring those of us that take our ethical standards and professional integrity seriously, I want to offer you some guidelines so that you will not be victim to those that simply want to make a buck at your expense.
Don’t believe that…
- You will bring in your soul mate simply by lighting candles, holding crystals, or cleaning out one side of your closet. This is not how the law of attraction works. It is not magic and your knight in shining armor or princess in waiting will not magically appear because you have chanted him or her to do so.
- You have to act and be a certain way to “get” someone to like you, date you, or even marry you. Approaching love and relationships from a perspective of control and manipulation lacks integrity and power. It’s a disaster in waiting.
- No one will love you unless you love yourself first. First of all, I’m not sure we would all agree on how to define loving yourself. We all love ourselves to a greater or lesser degree. We are all a work in progress. I’ve worked with thousands of people who have ranged from having great self-esteem to self-loathing and I’ve seen some of the most wounded and self-deprecating people meet and create incredibly loving relationships with others. You do not have to be a completely “put together” person in order to love and be loved.
- Like attracts like. It is not uncommon for smart, successful, and savvy men and women to find themselves involved with a person that ends up being a disaster. You can attract someone who is more or less wounded than you. Remember, no one is issue free.
- The internet, a friend, a coach, or a matchmaker can make love happen for you. There are so many factors that go into two people meeting at the right time in the right place. And while people and websites can introduce you to others who are also looking for love, none can guarantee a match. No business or person can package and control this mystery of life. The truth is you can find love when you actively seeking it online or you can find love when you are focused on finding a parking place at the mall. Timing, chemistry and compatibility are complex in nature. No one can make this happen. It just does.
- There is something wrong with you because you have not found the right person for you to spend the rest of your life with. Everyone’s journey is unique. We are not meant to have the same paths; this includes our time being single, married, attached, divorced, dating, or widowed. Nothing is forever, nothing. Don’t waste time making your life wrong because it doesn’t look like (fill in the blank). Live your life. Celebrate your life. Because in truth, it is what it is—you don’t have as much control over your life as you and others would have you believe.
- There is something wrong with being single. Many singles are happy and satisfied—they have full and complete lives and make contributions to the world in many ways. Some of my best days have been living as a single person. Some of my worst days have been living as a married person. They’re all a package deal.
- Your life is exactly as it should be. There is no reason to resist being single. As long as you are hanging out in this circumstance, you might as well enjoy it. And if you don’t like what this moment has to offer… a new moment is just a moment away.
- Love is always available and in your life. Don’t get caught up in the hype of romantic love. As great as it is when it is good, there are many ways and many people to love. Love is love no matter what form it takes. Don’t miss all the places love lives in your life right now.
- You are lovable as is and deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, kindness, and dignity. Act accordingly. Make powerful choices that are in alignment with your well-being. Treat others with respect, kindness, and dignity.
- No relationship is perfect. A great relationship is a process and requires a commitment to acquire the skills and know-how to work through issues as they arise in a way that results in more love and intimacy, not less.
- It is good to seek guidance and support along the way as needed. Sometimes we can’t see how and when we are getting in our own way. We play it safe when we want to play all out. Do your due diligence. People in the helping profession can show you the way but they can’t do the work for you. Personal growth requires personal responsibility and a willingness to do the work and commit to the long haul. There really are no short cuts.
- You can have a strong and intimate relationship. I just can’t promise who you can have that with. You don’t have control over other human beings. You only have control over you. So keep focusing on keeping your end of the street clean—that is where your power and happiness lives.
- That a lifetime of love and self-discovery awaits you. Enjoy the ride!
Please visit www.JulieOrlov.com to learn more on how I can support you on your journey. And as always, I’m here to help you create strong and powerful relationships. Don’t hesitate to contact me directly.
Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery
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