Keeping Little Secrets


Keeping Little Secrets
Keeping little secrets may seem innocent enough, but they result in less intimacy,trust & integrity.

Little secrets run rampant with couples—you said you were working late when you were out at a bar with your friends after work or you said the shoes you just bought cost $80.00 when in fact they cost $280.00. While on the surface they may seem innocent enough, in the long run, keeping secrets in order to avoid confrontation, conflict, manipulation, or in some cases, potential divorce, wreaks havoc on the health and well-being of a marriage. And while these little white lies or omissions may appear to work in keeping the peace in the short run, in the long run, both spouses lose. Here’s why.

Keeping secrets indicate that there is a lack of trust, authenticity, and real intimacy in the marriage. When you feel compelled to hide certain behaviors, choices, and situations from your spouse, it reflects your lack of freedom to be who you truly are, weaknesses and all. Intimacy between spouses requires three things: 1) You are able to be who you are at all times; 2) You are able to freely express who you are, including your fears, struggles, and triumphs; and 3) You accept your spouse for who he or she is, not who you wish he or she were and vice versa. It is important to understand that you can still make requests for behavioral changes and negotiate how you want to live your life together while accepting someone or something as is. One does not exclude the other. In fact, accepting someone and something as is creates the space for creative and effective problem solving. The bottom line: Little secrets lead to less intimacy, effective problem solving, and trust.


Keeping secrets also indicates that one or both of you are conflict avoidant. Some people simply find it easier to hide a behavior or lie about it rather than dealing with the issue openly and honestly. Some people simply do not want to create a stir. It’s easier to work around the issue and keep the peace. It’s easier to avoid looking at yourself in the mirror. It’s easier to avoid looking at your spouse and dealing with your differences. The problem with this strategy is that in the process you lose your personal integrity and power. The moment you hide the bag of chips or the new purse you just bought at the department store, you have lost your personal power. It’s a big price to pay. And most people don’t even realize the repercussions until the marriage starts to disintegrate or their own depression and anxiety takes over. The fear of rejection and abandonment often wins over personal responsibility and growth. It is so important to manage these fears. Doing so results in a marriage that is based on two whole fully empowered individuals. The bottom line: Little secrets lead to loss of personal power and integrity.

Relationships (and marriage in particular) are designed to mirror what you need to see. They provide wonderful opportunities to heal, grow, and transform. They hold the key to unleashing your personal power and well-being. Don’t let those little secrets keep you from creating a healthy, intimate, and transformational relationship.

This article was originally published at Julie Orlov . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Julie Orlov


Julie Orlov, MAOL, MSW, LCSW
Relationship Builder

Speaker, Psychotherapist, Coach and Author of The Pathway to Love:
Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Linked-In


Location: Hermosa Beach, CA
Credentials: LCSW, MSW, Other
Other Articles/News by Julie Orlov:

6 Signs of Dating Desperation


Nothing turns people off more than desperation and neediness. And if you are getting serious about finding love in 2015, you will want to stay away from people who need you to make themselves whole, fixed, or stable. And you certainly don't want to be a desperate dater yourself. Whether you are a seasoned dater or just staring out after a hiatus, here ... Read more

5 Ways To Get Your Power Back And End Emotional Abuse


If you've ever been in a controlling relationship, you know how easy it is to get caught in its web. It usually starts out with a simple suggestion like, "Do you think that outfit is the best you can do for the banquet tonight?" or "I think you're better off ordering the salad," or "You should get a real job and stop all ... Read more

Always Fighting? 5 Reasons You Shouldn't Give Up Just Yet


Every couple has their core issues. Some are relatively minor, some are quite serious. Some issues can be handled easily and resolved quickly with simple relationship advice like finding a compromise. For example, a couple may have different needs when it comes to spending time together. One person may require a lot of time on their own, while their partner ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Must-see Videos
Most Popular