I heard this quote in a children’s animated movie some years back and it stuck with me. I share this question with coaching clients on a regular basis. Why? Because we spend a lot of time chasing what we “want”. Let’s say for example you meet that seemingly perfect guy or girl. You’re sure you’ve found the one. And guess what? He’s unavailable; she’s playing hard to get; and you are off and running. You work tirelessly pursuing that golden egg. You know that he has all the qualities you are looking for. You know once she realizes just how great a guy you are, she will fall for you once and for all. You are now under the spell of the chase. Rejection is not an option. At this point it is less about the girl or the guy and more about getting the prize. And you are so sure he is a prize… Or is he?
Sometimes we are victims of the chase. If the guy or girl is seemingly unavailable, this can trigger us to go after the fantasy of who we think he or she is. We’re so preoccupied with getting the love we want, we haven’t taken the time to even consider the possibility that if we get what we want, will we want what we get. I’ve seen this happen time and time again.
So here’s what I suggest. If you find yourself caught up the chase, stop and ask yourself the following questions.
1. Is this person really available for a relationship? If you have been chasing him for more than a week, the answer is no. Move On!
2. Does this person truly have the qualities and traits that are most important to me? How would she treat me if we were in a real relationship? Chances are this person either does not have the qualities you are looking for or at the very least is not interested in having you get to know the real person behind the façade.
3. How does he treat me today? Does he show me that he cares? Do I feel wanted or do I feel ignored? If you are doing all the chasing that says a lot. If you feel like you need to act or be a certain way to get his attention, you are in trouble. Accept that he may just not be that into you. It doesn’t mean anything about you. Sometimes it’s a match, sometimes it’s not.
4. Am I getting mixed messages? If so, you need to align with the part of her that is not interested. Aligning with the side that is will result in a lot of pain. If this person truly wants to be with you then she will need to demonstrate that consistently over time.
5. If he has told you at any time that he is not very good at relationships, is not looking for a serious relationship, or is too messed up to have a healthy relationship, run—don’t walk. Take him at his word. He is telling you the truth. Again, run!
They say that if something feels just too hard to make happen, it probably wasn’t meant to be. This goes for relationships as well. Don’t fall for the fantasy that the best relationships spring up from ones that had a lot of drama and turmoil getting there. This makes for good fiction but does not lend itself for great relationships. The best relationships begin with two people who are both wanting, ready, and willing to go for it.
So put your competitive edge to rest and take another look at your love interest with a new set of eyes.
My Gift to you? I will provide you a free 30 minute consultation during which time you will learn what is stopping you from creating the relationship you want. Call me at 310-379-5855 or 1-888-99PATHS or email for more information. Feel free to spread the word—I don’t want anyone to feel left out.
Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery
Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com