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Is he a prince or a king?
By Julie Ferman — Written on Oct 09, 2015
If I had a $20 bill for every time a matchmaking client (male or female) hesitated to meet someone because the person hadn’t been married before, well … I’d be a wealthy woman indeed.
The issue most often comes from women, worried about falling in love with a guy who chose the single life long-term.
Here's what to keep in mind, ladies: If you're dating men who are in their late 30s, 40s, and 50s, they will tend to fall into two groups:
1. Those who have a rich, deep history of relationships, and all that goes with that (ex-wives, former loves, kids).
And oftentimes these formerly-partnered-up men are struggling to recover emotionally from that past, and also financially.
Supporting others for years and decades does present a financial burden to a man who is a classic provider/protector. In many cases this gentleman is in a situation where he must continue providing for these dependents for many more years to come.
It’s common for a new woman in his life to feel unhappy about the fact that he'll continue providing emotional and financial support for these people. She wants a "good man" — the type of man who would want to continue to care for all of the important people in his life.
2. The other type of single man "out there" in his late 30s, 40s and 50s is the guy who NEVER married nor had kids.
At first glance, it looks like something is "wrong" with this man. But, it's a good idea to take a closer look before assuming who he is and the level of commitment he's capable of making for his future.
I married a guy who was in this second category. He was what we might call a "late bloomer" — he wasn't fully ready to take on the role of husband and father until he was in his mid-forties.
There were friends and family members who cautioned me about falling for a guy who might be non-committal.
Good thing I didn't let their worries sway me. I've been married to Gil Ferman since 1990, and he's been a really responsible, devoted, committed and loving husband and father to our two boys. We joke that he simply skipped his first marriage.
In addressing stages of male development, Alison Armstrong talks about two kinds of men:
One type likes to have "his girl" with him while he builds his empire — that guy is likely to partner up early in his adult life, in his 20s or 30s, often starting out together in a cute little shoebox apartment.
Then there is the other type of guy, who feels the need (conscious or otherwise) to build his empire/his kingdom first, and then to invite the queen onto the throne.
Neither of these guy-types is necessarily good or bad.
Interested in being with a mature man, who is secure, stable, knows who he is, and has already built his kingdom? It's a good idea to embrace both scenarios.
The man who's been there, done that already, in terms of relationships, means that you'll want to nurture and develop your ability to embrace the other already-important people in his life. And also, be open to the man who hasn't yet been married. Both scenarios require flexibility and adaptability — feminine and queenly qualities, which will enable you to attract and keep a big, strong, masculine man. Focus on developing these qualities within yourself, as doing so will serve you well, along with all of the other people in your life, present and future.
I have a couple who are madly in love at the moment — Rebecca and Ben.
She had a concern about him, when I initially presented him to her as an interested suitor, as he's in his mid-fifties and his profile revealed that he'd never been married. Her concern was falling for a guy who could never commit, whose "natural state" does not involve partnership and monogamy.
What she didn't know about him at the time was that he had been in a beautiful long-term relationship for 17 years — with a woman who'd been married and divorced previously, and he played the father role to her two children, raising them into their young adulthood. He put those young women through college and stood at both of their weddings. He has zero problem with commitment.
Good thing Rebecca didn't judge him too quickly, huh?
