When Your Guy's MANNERS Are Lacking...


Your date didn't open your car door and he talks with his mouth full -- should you dump him?

As a personal matchmaker, http://www.CupidsCoach.com MANNERS are a frequent topic of discussion. My personal matchmaking client, Maria asked me if she should dump the new guy she's been seeing, because she says his "manners are lacking" -- Let's explore what he did that disappointed her and what the fix might be.

Here's what John did "wrong" in Maria's eyes.

He didn't call her to confirm plans. The two of them had agreed a week ahead to meet up on Saturday evening for dinner and a movie. She was expecting a call from him to confirm, and she was aggravated that on Saturday morning she hadn't heard from him and she felt abandoned.  She's wondering, "Is he inconsiderate? Is he not really interested in me? Is he a flake? Is he dating someone else?" 

In reality, John's week was a really challenging one - his company's office manager died suddenly and he was caught up with funeral details and urgent business matters that captured his attention. In his mind, the date was set for Saturday evening and he was fully planning on being with Maria that evening.  Fortunately, Maria handled this perfectly.  She took the initiative to send him a sweet (not chastizing) text message on Saturday morning saying "How was your week? I'm looking forward to our date tonight -- just say when and where and I'll be there."  To which John instantly replied with the details and they met up as planned. Men are single focused by nature, and so if he's got his attention or energy pulled in another direction he might miss an opportunity and it's GREAT that Maria gave him a gentle nudge and saved the date and the new budding relationship.

Manners -- How a man should ideally behave on a date.  Such an important element to study and to wrestle with. Maria's pretty traditional  -- she really appreciates those go-the-extra-mile gestures -- when he makes sure she gets to her car safely, having doors opened for her, when he orders for her at a restaurant, etc. She wants her guy to be thoughtful and giving.

-- Thoughtful/Giving -- Let's have some fun digging into that element.  Have you read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman?  http://www.5lovelanguages.com
It could be that he has other ways of showing his love and appreciation for the woman in his life.  Did he pay for the date?  Did he make an attempt to be a good listener? Did he offer any compliments?  It's fun to watch to see how a man chooses to give and to see  how he tends to like to receive as well. 

And then we all get to practice asking for what really matters to us.  My husband, Gil is kinda like John, in that it rarely occurs to him to open a car door for me and he "forgets" to walk on the street side of the sidewalk. Little things like that, which make me feel not so special -- so I practice letting him know how important those things are to ME, reminding him and asking for what I need and want. And then I have to remember to notice and appreciate the little things that he does do for me that are HIS little ways of showing me he cares, like the egg white omelet he just brought to me... and the rose garden he created for me outside my office window.

Dump the guy because of his manners, or lack of manners?  I'd say...not so quick.  Rather,  keep wrestling with is the expectation element. Women tend to have higher standards than men do about manners, and it's likely that most of the men we date will fall short on one area or more. So then we get to decide if it's an issue that's manageable, fixable or worth dumping him for...

Finding a suitable and compatible partner in some ways becomes more and more difficult as we age, because we get so firmly entrenched in the way we want and expect things to be.  It's natural, so just catch yourself before you jump to a quick conculsion as to whether a particular gentleman is acceptable or not. Give him the benefit of the doubt and play with your own communication so you can find ways of asking for what you want from a man in a way that boosts him up and makes him want to provide this touch of class for you. 

And then when he DOES do that sweet little thing that tickles your feminine spirit, let him know...and he'll do it again... and again... Men really do want to make us happy, and if we help them learn what makes us happy, we give them a chance to win with us.  That puffs him up and gives him more confidence, which serves us -- as we love confidence in a man.  So it's a positive cycle that feeds upon itself.



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