How this pressure turns inward
Amongst all the external pressure is the internal realization that you are still on your quest to find love. Many, if not all of your single friends are moving on, finding love and getting married. If you have been the last single girl at more than one wedding; it can begin to affect your self-confidence, no matter how much of it you started with. The circumstance of watching yet another one of your friends become happily married while still desiring to meet your ideal mate can feel isolating at times. When this happens, it can be helpful to acknowledge these feelings as understandable. You can also let your friends know how these situations may be affecting you. Enlist the aide of friends who used to be in a similar position, so they can offer encouragement.
For some, the “Why am I not married” question can eventually morph into the, “What’s wrong with me?” question. You may ask yourself: “Is there something about me that is either: wrong; different; or inadequate, that keeps me from finding a marriage partner?”
While finding a partner seems like an external search, it has more to do with knowing who you are and what you want internally. Yes - it can be difficult to maintain a positive attitude toward dating and relationships while balancing your concerns about not settling or losing sight of your ideal match. This can be especially challenging during your late thirties and early forties when about half your friends are experiencing marital difficulty and divorce.
Stir up all those ingredients: the questioning of self, opinions of others, your biological clock ticking louder than ever; gently fold in the idea of dating without marrying for half your life; and sprinkle in the fact you want to grow older and better with a loving partne and…well, it’s understandable if this recipe leaves you feeling at worst, panicked and at best exhausted.
Turning things around
When coaching clients, I assist them in identifying areas they struggle with, internally and externally, and we develop a customized plan for positive change in those areas. Furthermore, we identify patterns that emerge that may be preventing them from achieving their goal of marriage. I assist them in re-framing their view of themselves, so their search for love becomes more aligned with who they really are, making it more attainable.
I have found with certain clients the qualities and characteristics they have honed over the years to become their best selves were hard won and obtained with courage. Finally, we discuss the findings that most men are not intimidated by the combination of assertiveness, success, and self-awareness many of my clients possess; especially if those qualities are combined with a desire to be part of a genuinely loving and compassionate union.
As you’re on your journey, here are a few tips for dealing with dating fatigue, diminishing returns, or yet another wedding to attend: