Want A Healthy Relationship? Learn What Forgiveness Really Means

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Personal Development Coach: Learning to Forgive
Is your resentment hurting your relationships?

With all of the problems in this world — along with the mistakes each of us make throughout our life — the need to forgive arises almost daily. However, forgiveness is often misunderstood an often not properly applied. So it's a good idea to understand what forgiveness is and what it isn't. It can bring you and those you love to the light of a new day!

Conversely, a lack of this knowledge can hurt relationships in terrible ways. The symptoms of such hurt may take form in a wide variety of negative characteristics, most notably bitterness, envy, pride, and lust; though whatever symptom arises, it results in broken relationships. To stay away from such relational disaster, we must learn how to rightly forgive. Let's take a look at what forgiveness is all about.

Forgiveness Does Not Excuse Behavior

This is an important point; especially when you want to forgive someone for a great injustice. We must realize that granting forgiveness does not mean that the injustice wasn't grievous. When someone apologizes to you, have you ever responded, "It's OK"? I know I have. That's normal to say when you're dealing with minor infractions. But when someone abuses, cheats, lies, steals, etc., these things are not simply "OK", just because someone apologizes for them. In these situations, things may never be OK again between you and that individual... but you can still forgive, while knowing that what they did was wrong, and that it may bring consequences. This brings us to our next point.     

Forgiveness Does Not Negate Consequences

Let's say I lie to my wife, but then feel guilty and apologize for lying. While she may forgive me, it doesn't mean that she trusts me. The natural consequence of my action is a loss of trust; therefore, for my wife to trust me again, I must earn her trust back. This has to do with justice, which can be pictured as an evenly balanced scale. So, if I broke trust, I must earn trust. If I was to break the law, I may still have to do the time for my crime, even though those I victimized may have forgiven me.

Forgiveness Does Not Equal Reconciliation

Reconciliation takes two willing parties, but forgiveness only takes one. To have a reconciled relationship, two individuals must each meet the other's terms. While this is great when it occurs, many relationships have a hard time reaching this stage. For example, if I stole something from you, you may choose to forgive me, but it would be quite unwise of you to attempt to be reconciled to me if I continue to be a thief. Being a doormat is never synonymous with forgiveness; we should never allow a perpetrator to continue in his or her destructive patterns when they haven't yet turned from them.

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

This is a very common misconception. I believe it arises from a Bible verse which states,"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more" (Isaiah 43:25). From this, we typically think that since God remembers our sins no more, then we should also try to do the same for others. There is one problem with this — forgetfulness is not an attribute of God. On the contrary, God knows all things, and He asked us to not be forgetful. What the above verse actually means when it says, "remember", is that God doesn't hold us in light of our sins any longer. So in applying this to our lives, we too cannot hold people in light of their offense, but we are not asked to forget about it.   

Forgiveness Should Never Come Cheap

To forgive someone is a serious matter, and it should not be taken lightly. Frankly, there are some things that hurt us so deeply that we are not yet ready to forgive. In such a case, don't offer up cheap forgiveness.  Only say that you forgive someone else if you really mean it. Be honest with yourself and with them. Forgiveness can be a process. 

Forgiveness Is Divine

Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as "to give up resentment" or "to grant relief from payment." In order to truly do this, one must trust in divine judgement. This is really what forgiveness comes down to — letting go of your "right" to punish. It's amazing how withholding forgiveness often hurts you more than it hurts your offender. Resentment is a cancer of the heart. This is one good reason we're called to forgive, and also why we should forgive. To be able to fully release a person to God and not harbor any hatred, anger, bitterness, or ill will toward them is truly a divine act.

I hope these tips help you along the path of right living. Being a more forgiving person will brighten both your path and those whom you come into contact with. Also, remember that forgiveness is not only important for others, but it is important for yourself. Until next time.

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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