Detached And Dating: 7 Steps To Playing It Cool With A New Guy


Relationship Advice For Women: 7 Steps To Playing It Cool
A way of dating that allows you to be your own person and keep your values.

You've seen the benefits and advantages of Relationship Lite (RL). Now you're wondering how to put it into practice. This article will give you some tips you can practice today and change your dating life for the better.

Before we get started, let's talk a little about men and commitment. Many of you will practice RL in hopes of getting a commitment and there's nothing wrong with that. It's natural for you to want a committed relationship. But keep in mind that many women get to that point much quicker than men do. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you when a man is taking longer to decide whether or not he wants a future with you.


For a typical woman, taking it a bit slower takes practice and time. However, this is not something you can fake or pretend. You can't be thinking that you want a commitment and to move things to the "next level" all while telling a guy you aren't sure what you want. You will both want to stay honest and open about how you feel and refrain from hidden agendas. If you have an agenda in your head, your energy will show that and the man will sense it.

In the first 90 days of a relationship, a man can't really promise you more than monogamy and an exclusive dating relationship. If he finds himself really liking you and enjoying your company, he will continue to ask you out and may even introduce you to friends and family.

For a man, the first level of commitment is sexual exclusivity. He won't sleep with anyone else, but be aware that in his mind, that doesn't necessarily mean you're his "girlfriend". In his mind, he's still dating you and getting to know you. Because sex means commitment for many women, you may wish to consider holding off on intimacy until you're more sure about the guy.

If you know you're the kind of woman who tends to fall in love quickly after becoming sexual with a man, there's always the chance that he could break your heart if he breaks it off. For various biological and psychological reasons, men don't bond through sex as quickly as women do, and for that reason, you'll want to be careful about too much, too soon.

Steve Harvey (the author) suggests a 90 Day Rule (waiting 90 days before having sex) and personally, I believe it's ludicrous to have a set agenda. If you saw the movie he produced "Think Like a Man," to the best of my knowledge, not one woman waited 90 days for sex (so he didn't even practice what he preached).

Here's the rule that I suggest, and it's easy to remember. It's just four letters......C.A.R.E.

  • C: Comfortable (sex is a personal choice and when it's comfortable, it's right).
  • A: Aware of the consequences (if you easily bond, know that sex, for men, doesn't equal a relationship).
  • R: Real (learn his real intentions with you).
  • E: Exclusive Sex Agreement (be upfront if monogamy is important to you).

As always, the decision to have sex (or not) is yours. I want to protect your heart. This is why I recommend you don't have sex unless and until you know you will be okay with whatever happens afterward.

Here are seven easy ways to incorporate RL into your life:

  1. As always, date passionately detached. It fits right in with RL, live and date with all options open, but you’re attached to none of them.
  2. Allow yourself to be, not do. Receive what he gives you and give yourself permission to live in your open, happy feminine energy. Don't give more than he gives. In fact, refrain from giving too many gifts and favors.
  3. Don't project into tomorrow — live in the moment. Fully experience each minute you spend with him. Don't worry about what comes next. Let things unfold as they will.
  4. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your friends, family, work, hobbies. Make those your focus while your dating him, not an afterthought.
  5. Allow him to be who he is. Accept him for who he is, not who you wish he was. If he is far less than you want him to be, let that be a sign to move on. Do not take on the project of trying to make him what you want him to be.
  6. Be open to the surprise and adventure of dating. This will take some practice, but the less you expect, the more you'll get. He won't always do things the way you want him to, but let him do things his way. He's not wrong, just different.
  7. Be yourself, not who you think you should be. If you don't like sports, don't pretend that you do just to please him. He will appreciate your honesty.

As a man, I'll get kicked out of the club for saying this, but women are the higher species. You have a lot of influence with us men. When you go RL, you protect yourself more, you enjoy the relationship and him more, you'll feel more secure, happier and more confident in yourself and the relationship.

You'll learn what you truly want and don't want in a man, because you'll see them for who they really are, not who you want them to be. In short, it's a happier, more genuine and more honest way to approach relationships than you've ever experienced before. Once you go Lite, you'll never go back to the old ways of dating.

This article was originally published at Understand Men Now with Jonathon Aslay. Reprinted with permission.

More on relationship advice for women from YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Jonathon Aslay

Dating Coach

Jonathon Aslay

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