This guest article from PsychCentral was written by Nathan Feiles, LMSW
This post is about a common relationship issue: gift-giving anxiety. With the Hallmark holidays constantly expanding, men and women in any significant relationship — girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives — are all in the same boat of constantly looking for new ways to make their significant other feel special on a gift-giving occasion. But what isn’t always discussed is the anxiety that many people feel in having to generate new ideas and still have them be meaningful.
Couples — whether in the beginning of a new relationship or in a 40-year marriage — each have their own dynamic, and some have ways of diminishing their anxieties about gift-giving. For example, one person has an agreement with her boyfriend that they don’t buy each other gifts on any day except for a birthday. While this is in some ways good and shows that the couple is on the same page, it can also create more problems. Couples in this situation often end up worrying that if they don’t do something special, even with the agreement in place, it will seem like they don’t care. So the avoided gift-giving anxiety ends up turning into a “will-it-look-like-I-don’t-care-if-I-follow-the-agreement?” anxiety.
So, what’s the solution to the gift-giving anxiety? Thankfully, there are several ways to approach this issue, and if you’re committed to seeing the option(s) you choose through, you should be able to not only quell your gift-giving anxiety, but also make your partner feel special at the same time.
Here are six suggestions:
1) Keep a list:
The most effective way to approach this issue is to be in tune with your partner. If we really pay attention throughout the year (and granted this is often harder for men), partners give plenty of clues as to what they would like. What are your partners hobbies and interests? What websites attract their attention? Do they discuss things they’ve been wanting but haven’t gotten around to buying or doing (remember not all gifts need to be tangible)? These clues often come scattered throughout the year. When they surface, write them down on a constantly growing list that you keep in a special place. It only takes about 15 seconds to write something down, and you’ve just eliminated a piece of anxiety simply by having one option.
2) Ask your partner’s friends:
This might be an old-fashioned and a tough one to get motivated for — it risks some ego injury to admit to our partner’s friends that we don’t know the “perfect” gift. But these clues described above are often found in their friends. And with existence of Facebook, it’s easy to just drop a quick message if a phone call seems too awkward.
3) Remember the past:
Sometimes we forget that things we’ve experienced with our partners can lend a hand with gifts. Was there a meaningful vacation, outing, food, activity,or place? There are many creative ways to work these into a gift (i.e. photo collages, personalized games, photo albums, even fully re-creating an experience in a different environment, etc.). If you have the meaningful moment from the past in mind but not the creative idea, this is also a good place to check with his/her friends, or family, for help.
4) Ask your partner directly:
But doesn’t this ruin the element of surprise? The answer is: it depends on when you ask. If you ask the week of their birthday, then it could. However, if you ask randomly during the course of the year, then you have a list started that he/she could likely forget about by the time the next occasion arrives. And then you could always add to the list when clues start to surface.
5) Do a list exchange:
Exchange lists of gifts you’d like. By both creating a list for each other, doing a list exchange puts you on an equal level of giving and getting help from each other. Neither one of you is perfect and this allows you to experience this acceptance together. We don’t always automatically know what our partners want (not just with gifts), and this is okay. We’re not meant to be mind-readers. Preface this by actually telling your partner that you want to make him/her feel special but that you become overwhelmed by stress and anxiety in trying to find the perfect gift, and a list exchange would really be helpful for you. This would also allow you to see that your partner’s expectations may not be as hefty as we might sometimes believe.
6) Radical acceptance:
Gift-giving anxiety is mostly linked with idealization and perfectionism. The perception is that there is a perfect gift that will give the reaction we desire, and anything short of this gift is a failure. The problem is that the fantasy is often split off from reality. This is a struggle for many people, so you are certainly not alone here. But practicing accepting that a “very nice and thoughtful” gift need not be the ”one perfect” gift can be very helpful. It will open doors to gifts that normally would be dismissed as “not good enough.” The more options you open yourself to, the less the anxiety will be.
Finally, when you’ve decided what you’re going to do, always remember to give yourself credit for doing your best. Actually say out loud, “I really put in a great effort to do something special for my partner,” and allow yourself to be wrapped in comfort with these words. And when all is said and done, just remember why you’re doing all of this work in the first place. Love is what is driving our emotions (and making us anxious). You want to show your partner how much you love him/her by doing something meaningful on these special occasions. So when you give the gift that you chose to put your time, thought, and effort into, remember to say, “I love you.” After all, that is really what we’re trying to say anyway.
This article was originally published at
. Reprinted with permission from the author.