This guest post from Psych Central was written by Lynn Margolies, Ph.D.
The holidays are ripe for unearthing family dramas, often featuring a popular story line about competing loyalties. Though there are variations on the plot, the focus here will be on this dynamic as it plays out with men and their mothers.
Many men, caught up in powerful family dynamics from childhood, are plagued this time of year with having to choose between their mothers or their wives, as practical decisions regarding shared holiday time take on added meaning and consequences.
Holidays typically recreate old family dynamics as adult children reunite with parents, creating pressure from the original family system to replay the same patterns as before. This pressure invites conflict as new boundaries, competing with earlier ones, are tested and challenged.
How the scene unfolds, and the outcome, depends on the level of differentiation achieved by the man from his mother, and the security of the boundaries he has established around his marriage and new family. 10 Ways To Have A Loving Holiday Season
Loyalty binds are part of a common dysfunctional family dynamic which occurs when mothers use their sons to make up for previous loss, and lack of connection with — or anger at — their husbands. In such families, mothers often have a history of unresolved trauma, loss, or insecure attachments with their own mothers.
This leads to a parallel and compensatory style of attachment with their sons. Instead of the mother tuning in to the child's emotional states, the reverse occurs, requiring the child to adapt to the mother's needs.
The Insecure Attachment Style
"Good enough mothering" involves a delicate dance of noticing and attuning to the child's own rhythm, and adjusting one's own rhythm to be in sync with the child's need for closeness or distance, stimulation or retreat. How We Know What We Know About Attachment Parenting
Healthy attachment requires mothers to be secure enough to allow their children to safely differentiate from them without pulling them back in with the threat of anger, withdrawal, or guilt. Unresolved issues from the mother’s own childhood, particularly around separation and loss, can impede her capacity to allow the child’s needs and rhythms — not their own — to guide attachment.
As the child becomes an adult, a mother with this anxious, insecure attachment style may refuse to let go, secretly needing to remain the primary love attachment. This may not become apparent until her son finds a romantic love partner and devotes himself to her, allowing a competitor to enter the scene.
The situation is then often enacted in full drama around family events and holidays when the mother's explicit demands, and [unspoken] expectation of loyalty (i.e., exclusive love) from her son, conflicts with his role as a husband.
Jason's mom required a possessive, symbiotic union with her son to guard against experiencing buried feelings of loss and abandonment. Losing her hold over Jason as he shifted his loyalties to his wife was the ultimate threat to her sense of security and control. 10 Most Common Couple Holiday Fights (And How To Avoid Them)