5) Plan sex dates. This is one that, on the surface, people always don’t love the idea of because it lacks spontaneity. When the problem is not having enough time, being too tired at night, not being able to be spontaneous often enough, unable to get away from the kids, and so on, sex dates can be very helpful. Clear time in your schedule to just be together. Allot a comfortable amount of time, and have it just be for intimacy. You can arrange this however you both want — maybe alternate turns planning it (e.g. a bubble bath, massages, strip poker, baking while wearing only undergarments, etc.). Even if it’s not spontaneous, once both partners start getting into the activity, both usually will find themselves fully engaged. Once you build success with planning consistent sex dates, it then can become easier to be spontaneous in the future — especially as you expand the options for the sexual environment (activities leading to sex), which can open more avenues to spontaneous engagement.
6) Make your partner’s life easier. While some might find stress relief through sexual activity, for others increased stress decreases sex drive. The more you can do to ease your partner’s stress, the better the chance of creating emotional space for intimacy. Also, by merely doing caring gestures for your partner, this increases positive sentiment in the relationship, which already improves the environment for intimacy.
7) Talk about problems and be open to influence. Lack of sex in a relationship can also be the result of a power struggle or other issues in the relationship. When there are struggles in the general relationship, intimacy is usually the first area to shut down. If you are harboring resentment or frustrations with your partner, open the communication with your partner. Most importantly, be open to influence. Continuing to compete with your partner doesn’t increase the likelihood your partner will want to share their emotional vulnerabilities and body with you. If you can be flexible in resolving relationship issues and letting your partner influence you in areas where you can let go, this will increase positive sentiment in your relationship. Accepting influence also increases the sense of unity, which helps create an overall sense of togetherness (and effectively can create sexual desire).
There are also other ways to improve your sex life with your partner that aren’t described here. If communication is blocked or if there are issues that you are struggling to resolve, a couples therapist can help with this. Focusing on ways of building togetherness in your relationship as a whole is a generally positive way to increase intimacy.