5 Reasons Not to Marry the One You Love

By

5 Reasons Not to Marry the One You Love
Planning to get married? Read this Psych Central article to see if there's a reason you shouldn't

This guest article from Psych Central was written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, ED.D.

For many young girls, being a bride is the closest thing possible to living out childhood fantasies of being a princess. The wedding industry and bridal magazines collaborate in spinning the myth. Find the perfect prince, put on the perfect wedding pageant and live happily ever after. It’s an alluring story for almost everyone. How could it not be? For the unhappy, the alone, and the lonely it can be an intoxicating idea. Getting married can seem like the end of all a girl’s problems. Getting married can seem like a way to get a new start.

It doesn’t work that way. Marrying as a solution to painful circumstances almost never leads to a good and lasting marriage. Marriages that are a conscious or unconscious way out of a difficult situation don’t have the staying power that comes with mature love, shared values and a commitment to the future by two mature adults.

Here are my top five mistaken reasons that people marry:

1. To escape the family of origin.

Jackey’s parents are brutal. She hasn’t felt loved just about ever. Her mother is constantly critical. Her father scares her, especially when he drinks. Her younger sister seems bent on setting her up to be the target so she can fly under the radar of parental chaos. For Jackey, marrying her boyfriend as soon as they graduate from high school this June seems like a way out.

Yes, some families are abusive. Some parents don’t know how to love and protect. Some are so toxic that the only way to survive is to flee. But flight into an early marriage with a teenage sweetheart or just anybody who is willing isn’t a good enough foundation for a marriage. The fear that spurs flight can cloud a person’s judgment about who would really make a good partner. It’s easy to romanticize someone who offers an alternative to daily ridicule and pain.

2. Because it’s the next logical thing.

Tony and Melody have been dating since they were 14. Neither of them has ever dated anyone else or even considered it. They’ve been best friends and lovers through their teen years, went to the same college, and have been talking for years about what kind of house they’d like to have someday and what their kids’ names will be. Tony’s parents adore Melody. Melody’s parents think Tony is a fine match for their daughter. It only makes sense for them to get married. Or does it?

Neither Tony nor Melody has a clue about who they are without the other. They have never tested themselves as individuals; never been anywhere or done anything significant that didn’t involve the other. Sometimes couples like them can last. But often enough, the growing up that happens in the 20s means growing apart. As they enter careers that introduce them to new people and new experiences, one or the other of them may well begin to wonder if they would make the same choice now as they did when they were 14.

3. To fix the other person.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

John M. Grohol

Psychologist

Dr. John Grohol is a mental health expert and founder of Psych Central. He has been writing about online behavior, mental health and psychology issues, and the intersection of technology and psychology since 1992.

Location: Newburyport, MA
Credentials: PsyD
Website: PsychCentral
Other Articles/News by John M. Grohol:

Navigating Through Life's Transitions

By

This guest article from Psych Central was written by Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW. Webster defines "transition" as a passage or process of changing from one form to another. It has been said that we live in a time of transition, of rapid change. Things in our fast paced society don't show signs of slowing down any time soon. ... Read more

The Crazy Reasons People Say Yes To Sex Are Shocking

By

This guest article from Psych Central was written by Eve Eschner Hogan. Why people have sex doesn't seem like it should be a mystery, but a study at the University of Texas asked that very question. We might assume that "it feels good," "I wanted to show my love" or "I wanted to get pregnant" were among the top contenders ... Read more

8 Pieces Of Common Advice That Will Derail Your Relationship

By

This guest article from Psych Central was written by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. When you're tying the knot, friends and family may share a few nuggets of advice for living happily ever after. If later you're going through a difficult time in your marriage, they may again be quick to share their input. You might even seek their guidance, hoping a ... Read more

See More

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB