Core Message #4: Attraction is created through effort. The question today is WHO should make the effort.
What’s key to retaining a healthy sex life in modern marriages is two things: creating time for sex and actually DOING IT. No one’s sex life is perfect. Every couple has a story of a bad night, a “couldn’t keep it up” moment or a time when it wasn’t a priority. The important thing is, with everything we have going on in our modern lives, we still need the intimate connection that only comes from sex.
Attraction is created when you prioritize the need to have this special time together. Men and women’s brains are still hardwired so that her biggest sex organ is her mind and his biggest challenge is to turn that mind on. The media reports regularly that women are hungry for more sex in their marriages—the big question is if men are seen as so easily turned on and women are asking for more sex, why isn’t it happening?
The answer is in the effort. Women can do anything. We all know this. But when a woman does everything, it’s guaranteed to backfire in the bedroom. The challenge men need to take on is doing the work to mentally turn his woman on. The challenge women need to take on is letting them. If she’s in control (and certainly we’re talking about the majority of the time here) then he’s not able to turn her on mentally. And for women, sex begins in the brain. If you want to help your wife to have a good orgasm, it begins in her mind, not down south.
Nothing in a marriage does what sex does. Sex is a time between two people that is exclusively and solely for each other. Your job, your finances, your kids…nothing else matters in the moment when you’re lovingly connecting with your partner. Chemically, sex helps with relaxation, better health and cementing your commitment to each other. The bottom line here, modern marriages need more sex.
For singles, the issues around sex are complex but can be boiled down to a few things:
1. Men grow in their attraction when they pursue and they are allowed to purse. What has changed is how we communicate, not the underlying reasons why we communicate. Smart phones, text messages, Facebook and Twitter all have impacted our communication BUT, sending 10 text messages to a man is motivated by the same fear as placing 10 phone calls was a few years back.
2. Next, when sex happens too soon in a relationship, and usually this is before you’re committed, the foundation to handle the insecure feelings that arise after sex isn’t there. This means that when insecurities rise up, the onus on managing those feeling are on the individual person. That message was discussed at length in the Mars & Venus On a Date book and the message hasn’t changed.