A Wolf in Prince Clothing

In a twist on the classic fairy tale, there’s a phenomenon that happens with shocking regularity. The princess, having spent a long time in a relationship with a frog whom she kept hoping would turn out to be her prince, finally meets the Real McCoy. Prince Charming comes along and begins to woo her. Trouble is, she’s still married to the frog. What’s a princess to do?

In a word: RUN. I know this guy seems perfect. He compliments you, he flirts with you, he finds you attractive and sexy. He makes you feel appreciated, and he makes you realize how unappreciated you feel at home. But trust me, that’s because you don’t live with him.

Guys like this are almost always commitment phobic. The reason you’re so attractive to him is because you’re safely unavailable. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but someone has to do it. As soon as you become available, he’ll lose interest. He’s not Prince Charming, he’s a wolf. He’s a classic predator, thrilled by the chase. Once he catches his prey, he’ll devour it if it’s edible and leave it behind if it’s not. By devour I mean he’ll want to have sex with you, but he’s not going to want you in his bed in the morning. Or if he does initially seem interested in an actual relationship, the thrill will wear off quickly enough and he’ll be back on the prowl. I’m reminded of some advice my mother gave me decades ago: If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.

Instead of falling for this wolf, you can take the opportunity to look at what’s happening with your current relationship. Did you think your man was a frog before Mr. Wolf came along? How long have you been unsatisfied in your current relationship? And most importantly, what do you want to do about it?

If you want to try to fix your current relationship, you can start by making clear requests of your partner. Think about what you’re attracted to in the wolf, and then think about how your partner can do any of that for you. Do you want him to compliment you more? Do you want to go on a date night?

If you really want to get your partner’s attention, let him know that there’s another guy sniffing around you. Tell him that you were flattered by the attention, but that you’d rather “dance with the one that brung you.” Be specific about any behavior changes you’d like him to make. And then be prepared to follow up with consistency. Thank him when he does what you want, and remind him of the agreement when he forgets. The threat of a competitor will keep him on his toes. Just be sure you’re not giving him reason to be jealous.